Usually it takes a lot more alcohol in my system before I start to feel as crappy about me and my life as I do now. I've only had one jack and coke (which was more jack than coke - which I'm not complaining about, for $7 is should have been more jack than coke) and two beers. I don't even feel a buzz.
I went to the school Christmas cocktail party tonight. It seems like I barely knew a quarter of the people there; probably because I don't know many of the first and second years, and only a bit of the third year. Of the people there, it seemed as if they were paired up or had their clique of friends. I felt like a third wheel all evening. I feel like I don't fit it. Likely my fault, when I first met everyone three years ago I didn't make a great impression. I'm the quiet one. I don't party. I'm not the fun person.
The other thing is that I don't feel comfortable in my skin. I never have. Some people tonight said I looked good, I don't remember the exact words, but I couldn't take the compliment. Surely they were just trying to be nice and friendly and don't truly believe what they are saying. I hate the way I look, but I can't seem to find the motivation to get out of bed and do something about it. It is hard work just to get up and out of bed for clinic during the week, let alone weekends. Some Saturdays I won't even change out of my pj's. I guess you could say I'm depressed.
I hate myself. I fear being alone forever. I fear never being able to love myself and that by extension no one will love me. It's time for bed, I just needed to get that out there, into the void of the internet, tonight.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Eyeball Clinic
So, I have had almost 17 full weeks of patient care. Of being able to dilate without getting my attending's permission. Of having to come up with my own diagnoses and treatment plans... well sort of.
This semester is taking a lot out of me. I know that I don't know everything, and that's ok, that's why we call it practice... j/k. Anyway today was rough for me, I feel like one of my two attendings has to find something wrong with my exam, the other I feel as if I should be a walking book (and I don't know everything! - some things I haven't seen before so how am I supposed to recognize it and/or I can't possibly think of every differential but the ones I do think of are relevant - that's why I'm here... to learn how to recognize something when I see it in clinic because let me tell you: patients are not textbook, they come in looking like something else and not like the classic case we always talk about in clinic, so how am I supposed to recognize it!?)
I just feel a bit deflated and defeated after my wednesday's in clinic. The other thing is that I don't always agree with the attending, but when I try to voice my opinion that I don't think it is what they think it is, I feel a bit swept to the side and what they say goes, but I don't always get a good reason for why they are doing what they are doing. (this is not just today - more of a general opinion than any specific case) I think part of that is due to the fact that we are pressed for time, that patients come in 20 or more minutes late and we are still expected to have them finished in time for the next pt that happened to come in 15 minutes early... It always inevitably happens that way, then we are rushed, our attending is rushed, and we have to talk about our plan very briefly and what the attending says goes, if you are stumbling in trying to make your opinion known, well you don't have one and then you can get dinged on your grade for the pt encounter for not knowing/creating a plan, etc.
Maybe none of this is true, maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. Who knows. All I know is that I will be relieved when I get to leave school in January and be in the "real world" almost completely relying on my own knowledge and experience to tell me what to do. I'm going to stumble and I'm going to fall down, but I should be able to and not made to feel bad when I do. It's like my attending said yesterday about the difference between how we are taught and how ophthalmologists are taught. We are taught that everything has to be perfect and that if we overminus by 0.25D then the pt is going to die (exaggeration- sarcasm doesn't come through the written word as well as it does with the spoken word), and ophthalmologists are taught to be fearless and that it is ok to make a mistake because everyone does it and they have more on the line and at risk than we do. I would love to see more optometry schools and professors and attendings give us the opportunity to fall and to fail and to make mistakes, to allow us the time to make mistakes.
I guess that is my ramble for the evening. I need to get some sleep before my long day in peds tomorrow... yay. Eyeball school is ahead and winning (UABSO:10 - Me:1).
This semester is taking a lot out of me. I know that I don't know everything, and that's ok, that's why we call it practice... j/k. Anyway today was rough for me, I feel like one of my two attendings has to find something wrong with my exam, the other I feel as if I should be a walking book (and I don't know everything! - some things I haven't seen before so how am I supposed to recognize it and/or I can't possibly think of every differential but the ones I do think of are relevant - that's why I'm here... to learn how to recognize something when I see it in clinic because let me tell you: patients are not textbook, they come in looking like something else and not like the classic case we always talk about in clinic, so how am I supposed to recognize it!?)
I just feel a bit deflated and defeated after my wednesday's in clinic. The other thing is that I don't always agree with the attending, but when I try to voice my opinion that I don't think it is what they think it is, I feel a bit swept to the side and what they say goes, but I don't always get a good reason for why they are doing what they are doing. (this is not just today - more of a general opinion than any specific case) I think part of that is due to the fact that we are pressed for time, that patients come in 20 or more minutes late and we are still expected to have them finished in time for the next pt that happened to come in 15 minutes early... It always inevitably happens that way, then we are rushed, our attending is rushed, and we have to talk about our plan very briefly and what the attending says goes, if you are stumbling in trying to make your opinion known, well you don't have one and then you can get dinged on your grade for the pt encounter for not knowing/creating a plan, etc.
Maybe none of this is true, maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. Who knows. All I know is that I will be relieved when I get to leave school in January and be in the "real world" almost completely relying on my own knowledge and experience to tell me what to do. I'm going to stumble and I'm going to fall down, but I should be able to and not made to feel bad when I do. It's like my attending said yesterday about the difference between how we are taught and how ophthalmologists are taught. We are taught that everything has to be perfect and that if we overminus by 0.25D then the pt is going to die (exaggeration- sarcasm doesn't come through the written word as well as it does with the spoken word), and ophthalmologists are taught to be fearless and that it is ok to make a mistake because everyone does it and they have more on the line and at risk than we do. I would love to see more optometry schools and professors and attendings give us the opportunity to fall and to fail and to make mistakes, to allow us the time to make mistakes.
I guess that is my ramble for the evening. I need to get some sleep before my long day in peds tomorrow... yay. Eyeball school is ahead and winning (UABSO:10 - Me:1).
Sunday, June 30, 2013
5 lbs down
Well, I am down 5 lbs to 225.2 lbs. I just have to break through and past this 225 mark and I'll be on way.
I haven't been working out. So I think that most of that is due to getting almost 7,000 steps a day in clinic and 30 minute lunch times. If I were better at being a clinician I'd be getting 1 hr lunch breaks, but that is a different post.
I've been feeling down in the dumps lately and I don't really want to go into why right now. I'll save that for another time. Today I just wanted to celebrate my 5 lb loss. Go me! Something is finally falling into place. So this morning I decided to go ahead and workout before heading out to the pool or doing some studying or cleaning. So I did my interval training. I only made it halfway through before stopping, but I'll attribute that to my drinking last night, my stomach just won't let me finish today, not that I can blame it. Well here are a few pics and I'll try to keep updating.
I haven't been working out. So I think that most of that is due to getting almost 7,000 steps a day in clinic and 30 minute lunch times. If I were better at being a clinician I'd be getting 1 hr lunch breaks, but that is a different post.
I've been feeling down in the dumps lately and I don't really want to go into why right now. I'll save that for another time. Today I just wanted to celebrate my 5 lb loss. Go me! Something is finally falling into place. So this morning I decided to go ahead and workout before heading out to the pool or doing some studying or cleaning. So I did my interval training. I only made it halfway through before stopping, but I'll attribute that to my drinking last night, my stomach just won't let me finish today, not that I can blame it. Well here are a few pics and I'll try to keep updating.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Hazy lazy days of summer...
I wish!
I had one week off from school and spent it in Acworth with my mom. I slept a lot and ate a lot and basically did nothing, which was honestly well needed after a 7 exam final week!!!
I think something in my apartment is making me sick. I guess it must be allergies. I was "sick" 4 weeks ago during my birthday week and now again. There is something in Alabama that is causing me to have sinus congestion and a headache, with an occasional cough. So I spent most of this weekend in bed. Maybe it just is allergies, the Claritin has been helping, but I wish this feeling would just go away!
I did go out Saturday night to see a friend's band play at a bar close to home, AND I went alone! I must have talked myself in and out of it at least 10 times before leaving the apartment and another 10 times outside the bar. I finally said "Screw it! I'm here. I'll get a beer and then leave if I feel like it or stay". I ended up staying the entire time, even though I knew not a soul there and spent all my time by myself, as everyone else there had their friends and whatnot. Oh well. I'm impressed that I did it all alone. Like my friend said "brave little toaster"! So true, but alas I have no friends. (I use the term 'friend' here loosely. Sure I have people I consider friends, but they are practically no more than acquaintances, none of them do I hang out with outside of school, they don't call/text me and I guess neither do I. I have no one I can call up on a whim and say hey let's hang out, or do you want to go out tonight. That's what I mean by I don't have friends.)
So, what's a girl to do? Sit at home like a bump on a log, or get out and face her fears? Face them I did. I was a bit nervous and I'm sure that some people saw me alone at the bar and felt sorry for me, but by the end of the night I didn't feel sorry for myself; I felt sorry for the people that don't have the courage to go to a bar by themselves and not care what others think of them for being there solo.
I did get up and out today too. I went to JoAnn's to get some fabric because I'm going to attempt to make a skirt or two. I found some cheap polyester floral fabric that I think would look darling in a skirt. I also got several yards of cheap muslin to try my first skirt before cutting into any other fabric. I think they'll be two different designs but I wanted to make sure that I won't make huge glaring mistakes by doing the muslin first and it will give me the opportunity to try my hand at a zipper too... YIKES! Well, I'll keep ya up to date as I do things. I should be focused on other things, like studying for boards. Eh... LOL.
I had one week off from school and spent it in Acworth with my mom. I slept a lot and ate a lot and basically did nothing, which was honestly well needed after a 7 exam final week!!!
I think something in my apartment is making me sick. I guess it must be allergies. I was "sick" 4 weeks ago during my birthday week and now again. There is something in Alabama that is causing me to have sinus congestion and a headache, with an occasional cough. So I spent most of this weekend in bed. Maybe it just is allergies, the Claritin has been helping, but I wish this feeling would just go away!
I did go out Saturday night to see a friend's band play at a bar close to home, AND I went alone! I must have talked myself in and out of it at least 10 times before leaving the apartment and another 10 times outside the bar. I finally said "Screw it! I'm here. I'll get a beer and then leave if I feel like it or stay". I ended up staying the entire time, even though I knew not a soul there and spent all my time by myself, as everyone else there had their friends and whatnot. Oh well. I'm impressed that I did it all alone. Like my friend said "brave little toaster"! So true, but alas I have no friends. (I use the term 'friend' here loosely. Sure I have people I consider friends, but they are practically no more than acquaintances, none of them do I hang out with outside of school, they don't call/text me and I guess neither do I. I have no one I can call up on a whim and say hey let's hang out, or do you want to go out tonight. That's what I mean by I don't have friends.)
So, what's a girl to do? Sit at home like a bump on a log, or get out and face her fears? Face them I did. I was a bit nervous and I'm sure that some people saw me alone at the bar and felt sorry for me, but by the end of the night I didn't feel sorry for myself; I felt sorry for the people that don't have the courage to go to a bar by themselves and not care what others think of them for being there solo.
I did get up and out today too. I went to JoAnn's to get some fabric because I'm going to attempt to make a skirt or two. I found some cheap polyester floral fabric that I think would look darling in a skirt. I also got several yards of cheap muslin to try my first skirt before cutting into any other fabric. I think they'll be two different designs but I wanted to make sure that I won't make huge glaring mistakes by doing the muslin first and it will give me the opportunity to try my hand at a zipper too... YIKES! Well, I'll keep ya up to date as I do things. I should be focused on other things, like studying for boards. Eh... LOL.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Update
I know I haven't posted in a while. I have nothing to say for myself. I just have not been following my diet or exercise plan very diligently the last several weeks. However this past week I have been exercising a lot.
Tuesday - I did bootcamp at the rec center with Catherine and Zeenia.
Wednesday - I had green team workout with our trainer, only two of us showed up.
Thursday - break day.
Friday - Green team workout with trainer, but no one else wanted to do it so I had a solo workout with trainer.
Saturday - Zumba time with Kelly!
Sunday - rest
Today/Monday - Green team workout with trainer. Hope more people are able to show up tonight, but if not, than I'm a-ok with that.
I'm trying to eat healthy, but I haven't felt much like going to the grocery store. It is getting expensive and it's the end of the semester so I'm trying to keep some money in my bank account so that I can go to Charlotte for a friends wedding and possibly to Savannah. Ugh. Honestly I'm probably spending more money by eating out than I would just going to the store, and I know that I would be eating much more healthy, vs the frozen pizza or the $5 pizza or whatever. My weakness is pizza! I don't know why, but I crave it like crazy. And then I don't like to reheat leftover pizza so in my mind I don't want to waste the money so I try to eat as much of it initially that I can and then I'm left with heartburn and a sick feeling in my head and hatred for myself afterward. I share this because I know that others may have the same problem, or to show others that maybe they aren't that bad after all compared to me.
Well, I guess that is all for now. I'll do my best to keep this updated.
Tuesday - I did bootcamp at the rec center with Catherine and Zeenia.
Wednesday - I had green team workout with our trainer, only two of us showed up.
Thursday - break day.
Friday - Green team workout with trainer, but no one else wanted to do it so I had a solo workout with trainer.
Saturday - Zumba time with Kelly!
Sunday - rest
Today/Monday - Green team workout with trainer. Hope more people are able to show up tonight, but if not, than I'm a-ok with that.
I'm trying to eat healthy, but I haven't felt much like going to the grocery store. It is getting expensive and it's the end of the semester so I'm trying to keep some money in my bank account so that I can go to Charlotte for a friends wedding and possibly to Savannah. Ugh. Honestly I'm probably spending more money by eating out than I would just going to the store, and I know that I would be eating much more healthy, vs the frozen pizza or the $5 pizza or whatever. My weakness is pizza! I don't know why, but I crave it like crazy. And then I don't like to reheat leftover pizza so in my mind I don't want to waste the money so I try to eat as much of it initially that I can and then I'm left with heartburn and a sick feeling in my head and hatred for myself afterward. I share this because I know that others may have the same problem, or to show others that maybe they aren't that bad after all compared to me.
Well, I guess that is all for now. I'll do my best to keep this updated.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Roller coasters
First let me rant that some people have all the luck. That's all I'm going to say, I'm just a little green eyed monster at the moment, but back to the post at hand that I have been planning on writing today.
I've got roller coasters on my mind today. The actual ones at the amusement parks and the emotional ones. My life feels like one big roller coaster. I have my highs where you are high on life, the loops that turn your life upside down, the curly q's where you don't know which way is up, and the lows. Everyone must go through all these parts, but sometimes I feel like I have more lows and some people have more highs, but it wouldn't be a roller coaster without both. Sigh.
The other roller coasters I have in mind are the ones at the amusement parks. I have a little story to tell you know. Last summer mom and I went to Six Flags over Georgia. I love roller coasters. The visit was actually kind of depressing because while I was able to ride the coasters, the seats were very tight. On one of the coasters they were having trouble getting started because one of the seats wasn't right, it wasn't tight enough or wasn't locked or something, yeah that was me. It made me very upset because I thought for a second that I wouldn't be able to ride it because I was too fat for the seat. It makes me upset just talking about it, it makes me so depressed. It just wasn't a very happy trip and we ended up leaving relatively early.
My mom and I made a pact that if I could lose 20-30 lbs in the following year that we would get season tickets. Well mom I don't think I'm going to make that goal. I've maintained my weight in the past year, but there's still a few months until summer, so I guess there's still time to lose some weight. But it actually ok because I don't think that I'd have much time to go to Six Flags this summer. Either way my goal is the feel comfortable in the roller coaster seats again. I don't know at what weight or size that is, but I don't care. I just want to feel healthy and happy again.
I've got roller coasters on my mind today. The actual ones at the amusement parks and the emotional ones. My life feels like one big roller coaster. I have my highs where you are high on life, the loops that turn your life upside down, the curly q's where you don't know which way is up, and the lows. Everyone must go through all these parts, but sometimes I feel like I have more lows and some people have more highs, but it wouldn't be a roller coaster without both. Sigh.
The other roller coasters I have in mind are the ones at the amusement parks. I have a little story to tell you know. Last summer mom and I went to Six Flags over Georgia. I love roller coasters. The visit was actually kind of depressing because while I was able to ride the coasters, the seats were very tight. On one of the coasters they were having trouble getting started because one of the seats wasn't right, it wasn't tight enough or wasn't locked or something, yeah that was me. It made me very upset because I thought for a second that I wouldn't be able to ride it because I was too fat for the seat. It makes me upset just talking about it, it makes me so depressed. It just wasn't a very happy trip and we ended up leaving relatively early.
My mom and I made a pact that if I could lose 20-30 lbs in the following year that we would get season tickets. Well mom I don't think I'm going to make that goal. I've maintained my weight in the past year, but there's still a few months until summer, so I guess there's still time to lose some weight. But it actually ok because I don't think that I'd have much time to go to Six Flags this summer. Either way my goal is the feel comfortable in the roller coaster seats again. I don't know at what weight or size that is, but I don't care. I just want to feel healthy and happy again.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Midterm Monday
Welp. I had a Neuro midterm this morning. I'm pretty sure that as Dr. S is grading it, he's going to think that I'm such an idiot. I just know that it wasn't great, I didn't get in the kind of studying I had wanted to get in. It was just a crazy weekend. I mean we had boards last week and then some of us had black belt on Saturday (we go to the middle of nowhere Alabama to do eye exams all day). Don't get me wrong, I love giving back to the community and providing services for those who don't have an eye doc, but I would have really liked to have had the entire weekend off.
Since boards have been out I have been eating well and exercising daily (at least getting in my 10,000 steps if I don't make it to the gym). But I'm still maintaining at my current weight. Actually I'm pretty sure I have gained since two weeks ago at the last official BL weigh in. Which makes me very nervous for weigh in tomorrow, I just don't want my group penalized because I can't lose weight. I don't get it, I don't get why my body just isn't doing anything. I'm literally just maintaining. I just have to give it time I guess. I know that I probably actually gained some weight during boards, and I have just lost that, but I'm ready to get down below 220, I haven't been able to do that. I just can't break it. But oh well. Time takes care of everything. I have the time and ability to really focus now on exercise and eating clean since we don't have any big projects or exams for a while.
On a more positive note, I am getting in at least 10,000 steps a day. Some of it is thanks to the elliptical but still. I'm going to have to up the daily goal to 15,000 steps pretty soon. I do a lot of sitting at school, so I just have to make sure that I get up and move more.
I'm re-reading Anne of Green Gables right now since I have extra time on my hands, and I thought I'd share some Lucy Maud Montgomery words of wisdom:
Since boards have been out I have been eating well and exercising daily (at least getting in my 10,000 steps if I don't make it to the gym). But I'm still maintaining at my current weight. Actually I'm pretty sure I have gained since two weeks ago at the last official BL weigh in. Which makes me very nervous for weigh in tomorrow, I just don't want my group penalized because I can't lose weight. I don't get it, I don't get why my body just isn't doing anything. I'm literally just maintaining. I just have to give it time I guess. I know that I probably actually gained some weight during boards, and I have just lost that, but I'm ready to get down below 220, I haven't been able to do that. I just can't break it. But oh well. Time takes care of everything. I have the time and ability to really focus now on exercise and eating clean since we don't have any big projects or exams for a while.
On a more positive note, I am getting in at least 10,000 steps a day. Some of it is thanks to the elliptical but still. I'm going to have to up the daily goal to 15,000 steps pretty soon. I do a lot of sitting at school, so I just have to make sure that I get up and move more.
I'm re-reading Anne of Green Gables right now since I have extra time on my hands, and I thought I'd share some Lucy Maud Montgomery words of wisdom:
“It will come sometime. Some beautiful morning she will just wake up and find it is Tomorrow. Not Today but Tomorrow. And then things will happen ... wonderful things.” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of the Island.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
My name is shu10str...
... and I'm an emotional eater.
I know it's been a while since posting anything. I have had a lot going on lately and just didn't make time for some things this past week.
I had Part I boards on Tuesday and Wednesday this week; four sessions of 3.5 hr exams in two days. 500 questions on three years worth of school, eek! Just a teeny bit stressful. I admit that I didn't make the healthiest food choices or actually do much exercise outside of the occasional walk around the apartment complex this weekend. As a result I did not weigh in on Tuesday, partly because I didn't want to know my weight, partly due to stress, and partly due to the fact that it's spring break for everyone, so everyone just sent in their weights (I don't think everyone used the scale at the rec, which I think may have skewed the results slightly).
First off let me say that I am feeling a bit bitter and immature tonight, so take everything from here on out with a grain of salt. I don't know what I expected from this competition but it doesn't seem to be impressing me. I feel like the only thing I have gotten out of it in the past two weeks is group exercises with a trainer. I like the workouts and I feel sore the day after and I feel good, but that's about it. I don't feel a sense of group encouragement and I guess I can take some blame for that too by being MIA the past 5 or 6 days. The gold team is beating us by 2x in the weight department, which is another thing that is frustrating me... I am happy for those people that are losing weight, but I think that over 10 lbs in two weeks is a little excessive, and not healthy. I can't say anything because I don't know the circumstances but I saw everyone at orientation and I don't think anyone was that obese that two weeks would cause such a weight loss, but I don't know. I guess it's possible that this person hasn't exercised or worked out before and that a total re-haul of their life has given them an edge, it just doesn't seem like it's possible unless you were actually on the show working out for several hours a day and completely over-hauling your diet. But whatever, again I don't know the circumstances and I'm not here to judge.
I guess that's where some of my frustration is stemming from though. That I put my all into workouts and eating healthy and I only lost less than a pound in the first week and others are losing six times what I did. I feel like I have to work ten times more to lose less weight. I'm just frustrated (gosh how many times can I use that word tonight). In the past several months I have eaten pretty well. I don't eat completely clean, but I stay within my calorie goals for the most part. Since I started the biggest loser I haven't binged, which is my problem. I am an emotional eater, when I stress or am unhappy or want to celebrate, I turn to food. I know this is my problem, but I haven't binged in the past two weeks, as badly as I have wanted to I didn't. Like I said earlier, this week I haven't made the best choices, but I haven't gone crazy either. I don't know what I can possibly do. I know that everyone loses weight at their own speed, but... dang can't I get in on this too?!
Well that's my sad little pity party for the night. I just have to keep working hard and eating healthy and maybe I'll get there. One day.
***edit*** in the report of weekly winners, we got total weight loss of the winner and % total weight loss, and the biggest loser so far has lost 0.042%, 13.4lbs, which if you calculate it, comes to about 320 lbs, so good for them! I'm proud and a bit jealous, but honestly I feel better knowing that it wasn't someone at 180 lbs that was losing 13 lbs in two weeks.
I know it's been a while since posting anything. I have had a lot going on lately and just didn't make time for some things this past week.
I had Part I boards on Tuesday and Wednesday this week; four sessions of 3.5 hr exams in two days. 500 questions on three years worth of school, eek! Just a teeny bit stressful. I admit that I didn't make the healthiest food choices or actually do much exercise outside of the occasional walk around the apartment complex this weekend. As a result I did not weigh in on Tuesday, partly because I didn't want to know my weight, partly due to stress, and partly due to the fact that it's spring break for everyone, so everyone just sent in their weights (I don't think everyone used the scale at the rec, which I think may have skewed the results slightly).
First off let me say that I am feeling a bit bitter and immature tonight, so take everything from here on out with a grain of salt. I don't know what I expected from this competition but it doesn't seem to be impressing me. I feel like the only thing I have gotten out of it in the past two weeks is group exercises with a trainer. I like the workouts and I feel sore the day after and I feel good, but that's about it. I don't feel a sense of group encouragement and I guess I can take some blame for that too by being MIA the past 5 or 6 days. The gold team is beating us by 2x in the weight department, which is another thing that is frustrating me... I am happy for those people that are losing weight, but I think that over 10 lbs in two weeks is a little excessive, and not healthy. I can't say anything because I don't know the circumstances but I saw everyone at orientation and I don't think anyone was that obese that two weeks would cause such a weight loss, but I don't know. I guess it's possible that this person hasn't exercised or worked out before and that a total re-haul of their life has given them an edge, it just doesn't seem like it's possible unless you were actually on the show working out for several hours a day and completely over-hauling your diet. But whatever, again I don't know the circumstances and I'm not here to judge.
I guess that's where some of my frustration is stemming from though. That I put my all into workouts and eating healthy and I only lost less than a pound in the first week and others are losing six times what I did. I feel like I have to work ten times more to lose less weight. I'm just frustrated (gosh how many times can I use that word tonight). In the past several months I have eaten pretty well. I don't eat completely clean, but I stay within my calorie goals for the most part. Since I started the biggest loser I haven't binged, which is my problem. I am an emotional eater, when I stress or am unhappy or want to celebrate, I turn to food. I know this is my problem, but I haven't binged in the past two weeks, as badly as I have wanted to I didn't. Like I said earlier, this week I haven't made the best choices, but I haven't gone crazy either. I don't know what I can possibly do. I know that everyone loses weight at their own speed, but... dang can't I get in on this too?!
Well that's my sad little pity party for the night. I just have to keep working hard and eating healthy and maybe I'll get there. One day.
***edit*** in the report of weekly winners, we got total weight loss of the winner and % total weight loss, and the biggest loser so far has lost 0.042%, 13.4lbs, which if you calculate it, comes to about 320 lbs, so good for them! I'm proud and a bit jealous, but honestly I feel better knowing that it wasn't someone at 180 lbs that was losing 13 lbs in two weeks.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Happy Hump Day
I didn't post anything yesterday, and for that I apologize. Yesterday was weigh in day and frankly I was pretty disappointed and frustrated and exhausted, so I decided I wasn't in the best state of mind to post anything.
So at weigh in... I lost 0.8 lbs. That's it. Honestly I was hoping for more, considering the exercise I had been doing for the previous days and the fact that I was under my calorie intake each day. I had high expectations and I didn't quite make it. I don't know if I just really need to up my exercise, because I really don't think what I'm eating is bad, or if I'm just under a lot of stress with boards coming up and that is causing me to retain weight or what! Sigh. But anyway last night I skipped exercise, and went to bed early so there really wasn't anything for me to talk about. Today on the other hand is a different case.
Today I had primary care in the morning and community eye care in the afternoon. Busy busy busy! After that I had a group workout at the gym with the green team. Five of us attended this time, which means over half our group wasn't there. We need to get on them and get them coming to the gym with us. We did the same routine today that we did on Friday, but with 20 reps instead of 15. Let me just say that I really hate push ups and jumping jacks. If we finish a set before everyone else in the group we have to do jumping jacks before we move on to the next set. So we did 30 minutes of that (3 circuits of 20 reps), and then 30 minutes of cardio (I did the elliptical).
Overall, according to my fitbit, I walked over 15,000 steps today! Which is about 3.5 miles. AND I climbed 16 flights of stairs! Woot woot! Go ME!!! I'm pretty excited about that.
To view my meal plan go to myfitnesspal at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/shu10str
I had a minor set back yesterday mentally, but today I'm back to pushing myself to do better and go farther and work harder. Motivation comes from within. You get out what you put in. I can do it. Just repeat that to yourself all the time. I know that I say "I can't" way too often and I'm trying to get out of that habit. Now it's "I can"!
So at weigh in... I lost 0.8 lbs. That's it. Honestly I was hoping for more, considering the exercise I had been doing for the previous days and the fact that I was under my calorie intake each day. I had high expectations and I didn't quite make it. I don't know if I just really need to up my exercise, because I really don't think what I'm eating is bad, or if I'm just under a lot of stress with boards coming up and that is causing me to retain weight or what! Sigh. But anyway last night I skipped exercise, and went to bed early so there really wasn't anything for me to talk about. Today on the other hand is a different case.
Today I had primary care in the morning and community eye care in the afternoon. Busy busy busy! After that I had a group workout at the gym with the green team. Five of us attended this time, which means over half our group wasn't there. We need to get on them and get them coming to the gym with us. We did the same routine today that we did on Friday, but with 20 reps instead of 15. Let me just say that I really hate push ups and jumping jacks. If we finish a set before everyone else in the group we have to do jumping jacks before we move on to the next set. So we did 30 minutes of that (3 circuits of 20 reps), and then 30 minutes of cardio (I did the elliptical).
Overall, according to my fitbit, I walked over 15,000 steps today! Which is about 3.5 miles. AND I climbed 16 flights of stairs! Woot woot! Go ME!!! I'm pretty excited about that.
To view my meal plan go to myfitnesspal at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/shu10str
I had a minor set back yesterday mentally, but today I'm back to pushing myself to do better and go farther and work harder. Motivation comes from within. You get out what you put in. I can do it. Just repeat that to yourself all the time. I know that I say "I can't" way too often and I'm trying to get out of that habit. Now it's "I can"!
Monday, March 11, 2013
Manic Mondays
Well today wasn't really manic at all. It was nice because my afternoon lab got moved to after boards and I got some studying in and a workout before our presentation. It would have been better if more than five of us had shown up to the presentation. Maybe if they had a door prize to win at each one, more participants would show up. Oh well, at least I am less scared to try a spinning class... maybe.
I have been tracking my weight on my own at home, but my scale is different than the one at the rec center. Mine says that I am down a little bit of weight, but tomorrow will tell and I will share after that. I was excited earlier today but right now I just feel a bit exhausted. It probably is just the stress from boards. I just want to hole up somewhere away from the world until next Thursday when it is all over. But you didn't come here to be brought down by me, you came here to be motivated. I'm trying to keep myself motivated. While working out this weekend at home, I turned myself into a drill sergeant, pushing myself to continue and push through. We have to be our own biggest cheerleader.
Ok well enough of that. I don't have a daily challenge to post today... Sorry, I didn't get one in my email either so we are both out of luck. But I personally challenged myself to not use the elevators at school. As a result my fitbit tells me that I climbed a total 24 floors today (the equivalent of the La Danta Pyramid). How about that?!
Exercise:
30 minutes on the elliptical
Strength training, nautilus equipment including: shoulder press, chest press, calf raises, squats, and much more.
I would have really liked to have had a group workout or even just a personal one on one workout today. I pushed through, but I feel like I could have done better, but I got out there and did something, so for that I am proud.
Meal plan:
Breakfast: fried egg, buttered multigrain english muffin, one slice bacon, banana
Snack am: banana
Lunch: tortellini, cucumber, mini babybel cheese
Snack pm: almonds
Dinner: salmon, edamame, crisp pink apple, cherry sugar free popsicle
Tune in tomorrow to see how I made it through the first weigh in.
I have been tracking my weight on my own at home, but my scale is different than the one at the rec center. Mine says that I am down a little bit of weight, but tomorrow will tell and I will share after that. I was excited earlier today but right now I just feel a bit exhausted. It probably is just the stress from boards. I just want to hole up somewhere away from the world until next Thursday when it is all over. But you didn't come here to be brought down by me, you came here to be motivated. I'm trying to keep myself motivated. While working out this weekend at home, I turned myself into a drill sergeant, pushing myself to continue and push through. We have to be our own biggest cheerleader.
Ok well enough of that. I don't have a daily challenge to post today... Sorry, I didn't get one in my email either so we are both out of luck. But I personally challenged myself to not use the elevators at school. As a result my fitbit tells me that I climbed a total 24 floors today (the equivalent of the La Danta Pyramid). How about that?!
Exercise:
30 minutes on the elliptical
Strength training, nautilus equipment including: shoulder press, chest press, calf raises, squats, and much more.
I would have really liked to have had a group workout or even just a personal one on one workout today. I pushed through, but I feel like I could have done better, but I got out there and did something, so for that I am proud.
Meal plan:
Breakfast: fried egg, buttered multigrain english muffin, one slice bacon, banana
Snack am: banana
Lunch: tortellini, cucumber, mini babybel cheese
Snack pm: almonds
Dinner: salmon, edamame, crisp pink apple, cherry sugar free popsicle
Tune in tomorrow to see how I made it through the first weigh in.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Sunday Fun Day
Well I decided to work out today. I figure every little thing counts, especially with a weigh in coming up on Tuesday.
Exercise: 4 circuits of 15 reps each
Push-ups
Squat
Bicep curl (3 lbs)
Front raise (3 lbs)
Crunches
Superman
The three pound weights are all I have at home and I wanted to do something but not over exert myself since I'm still a little sore.
Walk around my apartment complex - total of 8 times
Mean plan:
Breakfast: fried egg, multigrain english muffin, two slices bacon, banana, coffee
Lunch: Chobani greek yogurt with raspberries, kiwi, and honey; mini babybel cheese
Snack: almonds, banana
Dinner: grilled salmon, edamame, crisp pink apple, mini babybel cheese
Daily BL Challenge:
Menu and grocery list for the week.
I did that on Friday.
I am keeping track of all my steps with my Fitbit and my calories with myfitnesspal. You should check them out and friend me if you are already on them.
Fitbit http://www.fitbit.com/user/23CM4T
myfitnesspal shu10str
Exercise: 4 circuits of 15 reps each
Push-ups
Squat
Bicep curl (3 lbs)
Front raise (3 lbs)
Crunches
Superman
The three pound weights are all I have at home and I wanted to do something but not over exert myself since I'm still a little sore.
Walk around my apartment complex - total of 8 times
Mean plan:
Breakfast: fried egg, multigrain english muffin, two slices bacon, banana, coffee
Lunch: Chobani greek yogurt with raspberries, kiwi, and honey; mini babybel cheese
Snack: almonds, banana
Dinner: grilled salmon, edamame, crisp pink apple, mini babybel cheese
Daily BL Challenge:
Menu and grocery list for the week.
I did that on Friday.
I am keeping track of all my steps with my Fitbit and my calories with myfitnesspal. You should check them out and friend me if you are already on them.
Fitbit http://www.fitbit.com/user/23CM4T
myfitnesspal shu10str
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Saturday Sore day
Man, am I sore today. Yesterday's workout really worked me out... LOL, but seriously. I love feeling sore because it just means that I have pushed my body to do something that it doesn't normally do and broke down some muscle cells and they are going to repair themselves to become bigger and better and stronger and hopefully burn some fat.
Today I went to zumba. I haven't done a zumba class in, what feels like, forever. I love Kelly, she has so much energy and makes that hour go by so fast and she makes it so fun you don't feel like you are exercising, well at least until she has you doing squats, then you realize that this is exercise not just a dance class!
On top of that was the daily challenge:
50 jumping jacks (eh, ok, I just hate them)
4 sets of 30 sec wall sits (OUCH! my legs are seriously killing me now)
8 glasses of water (I feel like I have to pee all the time! TMI? sorry...)
Mean plan for the day:
Breakfast: fried egg on a multigrain english muffin with butter and two slices of bacon, and coffee
Snack am: mini babybel cheese
Lunch: leftover salmon and broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots
Snack pm: mini babybel cheese
Dinner: Tortellini and spinach salad with cucumber and grape tomatoes and raspberry vinaigrette. (I really had a craving for pizza tonight, so I thought the tortellini would be a good choice with it's sauce and cheese, even if it isn't the most "clean" recipe out there. For 417 calories a serving you can't beat it)
Dessert: peanut m&m (I found two fun size bags while putting my groceries away this week, now they are all gone, so no more sweets)
I was thinking that tomorrow might be a rest and repair day, but I have a weigh in on Tuesday. Now I'm thinking that I may need to get a workout in tomorrow. I just don't want to over do it early on. We have another group workout on Monday. I guess I just want this first weigh in to go over well. I want to have lost something.
Welp I just looked at my calendar and we have a biggest loser presentation on Monday at 6 so we may not get that group workout in. I think what I'll do is wii zumba and maybe 30 day shred at home tomorrow and then hit up the gym on Monday before the presentation (I'll have to email our group trainer and see if we can change our workout time on Monday...). See you tomorrow.
Today I went to zumba. I haven't done a zumba class in, what feels like, forever. I love Kelly, she has so much energy and makes that hour go by so fast and she makes it so fun you don't feel like you are exercising, well at least until she has you doing squats, then you realize that this is exercise not just a dance class!
On top of that was the daily challenge:
50 jumping jacks (eh, ok, I just hate them)
4 sets of 30 sec wall sits (OUCH! my legs are seriously killing me now)
8 glasses of water (I feel like I have to pee all the time! TMI? sorry...)
Mean plan for the day:
Breakfast: fried egg on a multigrain english muffin with butter and two slices of bacon, and coffee
Snack am: mini babybel cheese
Lunch: leftover salmon and broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots
Snack pm: mini babybel cheese
Dinner: Tortellini and spinach salad with cucumber and grape tomatoes and raspberry vinaigrette. (I really had a craving for pizza tonight, so I thought the tortellini would be a good choice with it's sauce and cheese, even if it isn't the most "clean" recipe out there. For 417 calories a serving you can't beat it)
Dessert: peanut m&m (I found two fun size bags while putting my groceries away this week, now they are all gone, so no more sweets)
I was thinking that tomorrow might be a rest and repair day, but I have a weigh in on Tuesday. Now I'm thinking that I may need to get a workout in tomorrow. I just don't want to over do it early on. We have another group workout on Monday. I guess I just want this first weigh in to go over well. I want to have lost something.
Welp I just looked at my calendar and we have a biggest loser presentation on Monday at 6 so we may not get that group workout in. I think what I'll do is wii zumba and maybe 30 day shred at home tomorrow and then hit up the gym on Monday before the presentation (I'll have to email our group trainer and see if we can change our workout time on Monday...). See you tomorrow.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Go Team Green
We had our first group workout tonight, and had a general daily challenge.
The daily challenge for all the participants was to do 25 push ups. It doesn't matter what form you do it in: on your toes, on your knees, against the wall. It doesn't matter how many you do at one time: space them out or do them all at one time. Well I got in 60 pushups! Thanks to my group workout.
So for our workout, we had 30 minutes cardio and 30 minutes strength training. The strength training was done in circuits of 15 reps for each activity, and we did 4 circuits.
15-20 push ups
15-20 wall squats
15-20 bicep curls
15-20 dumbbell front raise
15-20 crunches
15-20 super"wo"man
Mean plan for today:
Breakfast: multigrain cheerios with lowfat milk
Snack: mini babybel cheese
Lunch: Pb&j with pink grapefruit and 1 cup lowfat milk
Snack: fiber one 90 calorie brownie
Dinner: salmon and broccoli, cauliflower, & carrots
Dessert: snack size peanut m&m's
Our trainer has challenged us to do a uFit class this weekend and then we have our next group workout on Monday.
The daily challenge for all the participants was to do 25 push ups. It doesn't matter what form you do it in: on your toes, on your knees, against the wall. It doesn't matter how many you do at one time: space them out or do them all at one time. Well I got in 60 pushups! Thanks to my group workout.
So for our workout, we had 30 minutes cardio and 30 minutes strength training. The strength training was done in circuits of 15 reps for each activity, and we did 4 circuits.
15-20 push ups
15-20 wall squats
15-20 bicep curls
15-20 dumbbell front raise
15-20 crunches
15-20 super"wo"man
Mean plan for today:
Breakfast: multigrain cheerios with lowfat milk
Snack: mini babybel cheese
Lunch: Pb&j with pink grapefruit and 1 cup lowfat milk
Snack: fiber one 90 calorie brownie
Dinner: salmon and broccoli, cauliflower, & carrots
Dessert: snack size peanut m&m's
Our trainer has challenged us to do a uFit class this weekend and then we have our next group workout on Monday.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Operation Biggest Loser
I had orientation and my first weigh in with the UAB Rec Center's Biggest Loser 2013. There are nine people on each team.
I am on team Green (how appropriate)! Initial weight: 229.8 lbs. First group workout may be on Friday, we'll see. I'll be weighing in every Tuesday. We will be working out as a group every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 5:30pm. On the other days I'm going to try to do zumba at home or Kelly's Saturday zumba class.
These first two weeks are honestly going to be the hardest because I'm under a tremendous amount of stress that would normally cause me to talk myself out of exercising and eating right. It's so easy to say that I have to study and I don't have time to work out or make a healthy dinner, but it's something I have to do for me.
Part I boards are coming up on March 19th and 20th, so keep me in your prayers to help me through and keep me motivated with everything I have going on. And I promise to keep you updated at least once a week with everything (weight, achievements, set-backs, everything!), so tune in every Tuesday for reports.
I am on team Green (how appropriate)! Initial weight: 229.8 lbs. First group workout may be on Friday, we'll see. I'll be weighing in every Tuesday. We will be working out as a group every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 5:30pm. On the other days I'm going to try to do zumba at home or Kelly's Saturday zumba class.
These first two weeks are honestly going to be the hardest because I'm under a tremendous amount of stress that would normally cause me to talk myself out of exercising and eating right. It's so easy to say that I have to study and I don't have time to work out or make a healthy dinner, but it's something I have to do for me.
Part I boards are coming up on March 19th and 20th, so keep me in your prayers to help me through and keep me motivated with everything I have going on. And I promise to keep you updated at least once a week with everything (weight, achievements, set-backs, everything!), so tune in every Tuesday for reports.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Another day, another zumba
I'm pretty proud of myself so far. I've gotten up twice this week to do zumba before school! I'm going for three times, that will beat my personal best of the week I think... :/
Anywho. I'm actually liking this getting up and getting my exercise (at least cardio) out of the way. As I inch forward, I'll start adding strength but for now I think what I'm doing is sufficient. You don't want to push yourself too hard at first because then it's harder to stick to the plan. Easy does it, the tortoise wins the race!
I've been trying to eat healthier too, so I have fruit and cucumber at lunch and everyone mentions how healthy I'm eating. Well, I have to. I know that I'm overweight and its about time I did something about it, so exercise and eating healthy it is. I don't want to sound self-depricating in response so I just say thanks vs what I really want to say which is "I'm fat, I know. I'm trying to do something about it."
I think that is about all the exciting news I have for now.
39 days until Part I Boards! AHHH!!!!
Anywho. I'm actually liking this getting up and getting my exercise (at least cardio) out of the way. As I inch forward, I'll start adding strength but for now I think what I'm doing is sufficient. You don't want to push yourself too hard at first because then it's harder to stick to the plan. Easy does it, the tortoise wins the race!
I've been trying to eat healthier too, so I have fruit and cucumber at lunch and everyone mentions how healthy I'm eating. Well, I have to. I know that I'm overweight and its about time I did something about it, so exercise and eating healthy it is. I don't want to sound self-depricating in response so I just say thanks vs what I really want to say which is "I'm fat, I know. I'm trying to do something about it."
I think that is about all the exciting news I have for now.
39 days until Part I Boards! AHHH!!!!
Monday, February 4, 2013
5 am workouts
I love my sleep, so getting up early to workout is something special. It's just that I'm realizing that I'm going to have to put in major work to get rid of the fat that I want to. It is just so unfair that it is so easy to put on the weight and so hard to work it off! <whine> Well, that just means I have to keep getting up at 5 am and doing an hour of zumba or other exercise.
Right now I'm going to stick to zumba. It gets my heart pumping and is good cardio. I know that I'm going to need to do some strength training as well. I hate that 30 day shred, but I'll try to do that once a week or something just to mix it up. There's just something about that dvd that kinda rubs me the wrong way, it's hard to explain. Just like some of the attendings/professors at school, I'm just not a fan, let's just say that. Anyway back to zumba. That is something I can get behind, just as long as I get plenty of sleep the night before and set out my clothes so that I can just hop in them and get to dancing! Love it!
I've just got to get into a routine. Motivation gets you started, habit is what keeps you going. Thanks Pinterest. Off to the showers!
Right now I'm going to stick to zumba. It gets my heart pumping and is good cardio. I know that I'm going to need to do some strength training as well. I hate that 30 day shred, but I'll try to do that once a week or something just to mix it up. There's just something about that dvd that kinda rubs me the wrong way, it's hard to explain. Just like some of the attendings/professors at school, I'm just not a fan, let's just say that. Anyway back to zumba. That is something I can get behind, just as long as I get plenty of sleep the night before and set out my clothes so that I can just hop in them and get to dancing! Love it!
I've just got to get into a routine. Motivation gets you started, habit is what keeps you going. Thanks Pinterest. Off to the showers!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
The stars were not aligned...
Not to say that things went bad today, just kinda weird. It was an all over weird day.
I woke up this morning just feeling weird. I don't know if anyone else felt this way, but the earth was just off axis or something cause it turned everything on it's side.
The day started off just like any other day... But now that I think of it, it was SUPER foggy this morning. I blame everything on the fog! LOL. Anywho seriously... I was running behind like I do every morning, but ended up still being on time for my contact lens elective. CL's went great, the first pt was a pro at getting scleral lenses it and the second pt was just so excited to get her scleral lenses and be able to see clearly again. I have to say that it is so rewarding to be able to provide a simple solution and totally change someone's life or perspective. You don't always realize how much a small act of kindness does for someone.
Ok so back to my weird day. I found out halfway through CL's that my skirt's seam ripped in the back! Can you say mortifying!!! OMG! But I found a needle and thread and was able to fix it, praise the lord. Then I had class, nothing to say there. Then I did a lunch and tour for interviewees. We had two interviewees today. I don't know why but I feel like I have so much to say and tell them about and I feel like I still forget to tell them everything. I need to start making notes for myself during the week so that I don't get distracted just like I am right now and go on tangents. I need to focus better!!! And apparently I am a huge fan for exaggerating and exclamation points today!
On to primary care. It seemed like everyone's patients today had something out of the ordinary. Almost no one had a straight forward basic exam. I felt all over the place today. Again something was just off axis today. It was not a good day for wearing a skirt and heels, I shoulda just wore some comfy dress clothes and chilled especially since I knew it was going to be a long day... Sigh. We live and learn.
Well, I'm off to get some work done and hit the hay early tonight and get up to do zumba... Oh I just remembered I have to pop my chicken in the crock pot overnight so that I have something to eat for lunch... But wait I think I can skip that tonight and pop it in tomorrow at the latest, I bought the chicken last night so tomorrow should be my last day for keeping it in the fridge, I'll need to cook it tomorrow. Sigh. I write this like you care. I really should have just wrote in my journal tonight. Well sorry. Later.
I woke up this morning just feeling weird. I don't know if anyone else felt this way, but the earth was just off axis or something cause it turned everything on it's side.
The day started off just like any other day... But now that I think of it, it was SUPER foggy this morning. I blame everything on the fog! LOL. Anywho seriously... I was running behind like I do every morning, but ended up still being on time for my contact lens elective. CL's went great, the first pt was a pro at getting scleral lenses it and the second pt was just so excited to get her scleral lenses and be able to see clearly again. I have to say that it is so rewarding to be able to provide a simple solution and totally change someone's life or perspective. You don't always realize how much a small act of kindness does for someone.
Ok so back to my weird day. I found out halfway through CL's that my skirt's seam ripped in the back! Can you say mortifying!!! OMG! But I found a needle and thread and was able to fix it, praise the lord. Then I had class, nothing to say there. Then I did a lunch and tour for interviewees. We had two interviewees today. I don't know why but I feel like I have so much to say and tell them about and I feel like I still forget to tell them everything. I need to start making notes for myself during the week so that I don't get distracted just like I am right now and go on tangents. I need to focus better!!! And apparently I am a huge fan for exaggerating and exclamation points today!
On to primary care. It seemed like everyone's patients today had something out of the ordinary. Almost no one had a straight forward basic exam. I felt all over the place today. Again something was just off axis today. It was not a good day for wearing a skirt and heels, I shoulda just wore some comfy dress clothes and chilled especially since I knew it was going to be a long day... Sigh. We live and learn.
Well, I'm off to get some work done and hit the hay early tonight and get up to do zumba... Oh I just remembered I have to pop my chicken in the crock pot overnight so that I have something to eat for lunch... But wait I think I can skip that tonight and pop it in tomorrow at the latest, I bought the chicken last night so tomorrow should be my last day for keeping it in the fridge, I'll need to cook it tomorrow. Sigh. I write this like you care. I really should have just wrote in my journal tonight. Well sorry. Later.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Day 1... Again
Ok. So I'm starting the 30 day shred again. Level 1 Day 1. I'm not saying this is a New Year's Resolution, this is a life time resolution just to get more active every day. I have my fitbit that tracks my steps and I recruited a friend who already does twice as many steps as I do a day and I'm feeling a bit defeated already. I know that I can only blame myself for not getting enough steps in in a day and it's time I change that.
I'm making the commitment to get up every morning and at least do the 30 day shred. I feel so fat doing it. It makes me realize how out of shape I am, but if 400 lb people can do Jillian's workouts, then by golly so can I. I may modify it so that I can make it through, but I'm up and being active and honestly isn't that all that matters? That I'm up and doing it. It's like that quote about running: It doesn't matter how slow you go, you're already lapping everyone on the couch. The thing is, I can't compare myself to anyone else. I can only do what works for me and get to where I want/need to be. I just want to look in the mirror and not hate all the lumps and bumps and rolls. I want to look in the mirror and not hate myself for getting this way. I want it. I can get it. I can. I will. I have to. I just have to keep the motivation up.
Speaking of motivation... I have the fitbit and that will help. I also put up a calendar with milestone dates right by the fridge so that when I go into the kitchen to eat more food after dinner I can just look at the calendar and remind myself that summer will be here before you know it and I have a bikini from Victoria's Secret to cram my rolls into come June.
Keep tuned.
I'm making the commitment to get up every morning and at least do the 30 day shred. I feel so fat doing it. It makes me realize how out of shape I am, but if 400 lb people can do Jillian's workouts, then by golly so can I. I may modify it so that I can make it through, but I'm up and being active and honestly isn't that all that matters? That I'm up and doing it. It's like that quote about running: It doesn't matter how slow you go, you're already lapping everyone on the couch. The thing is, I can't compare myself to anyone else. I can only do what works for me and get to where I want/need to be. I just want to look in the mirror and not hate all the lumps and bumps and rolls. I want to look in the mirror and not hate myself for getting this way. I want it. I can get it. I can. I will. I have to. I just have to keep the motivation up.
Speaking of motivation... I have the fitbit and that will help. I also put up a calendar with milestone dates right by the fridge so that when I go into the kitchen to eat more food after dinner I can just look at the calendar and remind myself that summer will be here before you know it and I have a bikini from Victoria's Secret to cram my rolls into come June.
Keep tuned.
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