What a year...
I checked my timehop app today and for the last two years I've been ready for the year to end and hoping for better things in the year to come. Bye 2012, 2013 is my year! Bye 2013, 2014 is my year! Now I guess it's time for bye 2014, 2015 will be my year!
Let's look back on 2014.
I started the year with my first extern rotation away from the school. I moved to Montgomery, AL to work at the VA. I did a two month rotation where I ended up not doing much of anything, no friends to hang out with and nothing to do. We felt some of the winter storm that created a disaster in Birmingham and Atlanta. I was safe in my room at the VA hospital. I enjoyed my rotation there. Met some cool veterans and gained confidence in my ability to be a great doctor.
In March I moved to Savannah, GA. I finished up my second extern rotation and my last semester of optometry school at a private practice that I had worked at during undergrad. During my time there, I traveled to Memphis to retake Part 1 boards (again), found I passed Part 3 boards, and found out that I failed Part 1 boards (again)! I made some new friends in the other externs I worked with there. Explored Savannah, there's always something new to experience there. Had an amazing evening out with a tandem bike pub crawl, karaoke, and bad decisions.
In May I walked in my graduation from optometry school. Got to spend time with my mom and my dad. I hope I make them proud. At the end of the month, I was unable to get out my lease at my apartment in Savannah and ended up staying another month. Because I had failed Part 1 boards, I was unable to apply for my state license to practice optometry, but luckily the doctor I worked for allowed me to continue to work for her as a glorified tech (I did everything like I would as a doctor, but she followed up behind and saw every pt). We agreed to part ways even though we had talked about me staying on as an associate. I needed to move back home and focus on studying for the board that I would take again in August.
So the end of June came around and I moved home to Atlanta. July came and I studied. August came and I took the boards again and went to Pensacola. September came and we went to Gulf Shores while I was waiting; the end of September came and I found out that I passed the boards!!! Glory hallelujah! October found me applying for my state license and getting my CPR certification. November saw me sending out my resume for jobs in the area and getting an interview with a practice. December saw me finally receiving my state license (fully fledged doctor!) and starting a new job.
It was a roller coaster year; emotions went up and went down and up and down and spun around. I guess I can't complain too much. I finished school, am licensed in my field of study, and got a job that I enjoy.
What can I hope for in 2015? I can hope that I save enough money to buy myself a new car. That I can make enough money to start paying back my loans. I would love to buy a kayak and do some camping now that I am bringing in money and not just spending it and now that I have the time to invest in activities rather than studying. I would like to find a person that I enjoy spending time with and that can love me for me. I would like to move into my own place and stop depending on my parents (my dad can now stop sending me money, but I am living with my mom now). I would like to be independent. I'll be 28 this year and would like to know that I can stand on my own two feet.
Here's to hoping that 2015 will at least not be a bad year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
The Grass is Enviable on the Other Side
I had an original intention for this post last night but it may transform as I start to type and the fact that I am less irritable than I was last night.
A friend of my posted an article to Facebook entitled "17 Problems All Naturally Skinny People Will Understand". My gut reaction was an initially anger. How is ok to be "naturally skinny" but it's not ok to be "naturally fat". I wasn't going to click on the link because I was, quite frankly, offended. Then I decided that I would read it and see what they have to say. As I read it I would change one word to the opposite and made a case that you could simply change all the "skinnies" to "fatties" and "eat more's" to "eat less", and that I was going to comment to my friend about the fact that it's a double edged sword, but I decided in my irritable state it was probably not the smartest thing to do as I didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama, especially on Facebook on a Sunday night, just not gonna happen.
So then I decided that I was going to write a post about all the points they made and switch the words around and make it for "fatties" like me. That was the intention for this post, but as I started to type I realize that if I do that, then I am stooping to a lower level and it is not in my nature to belittle people or to make fun of their body or to make them feel less then they are whether they be "fat" or "skinny". I think everyone is beautiful in their own right.
I believe that we all have to love and accept our bodies for what they are and what they do for us every day. I tend to dislike words like skinny and fat and curvy and thin because they are not forgiving words; they all have a negative connotation that society has created for us. That being said: you can be skinny and healthy, you can be fat and healthy, you can be curvy and unhealthy, you can be thin and unhealthy, you can be anything and everything in between. I wish that I could look in the mirror and love what I look like, but society has conditioned my brain so that I see a whale of a person in the mirror and can't imagine that anyone would find me beautiful because I am overweight. I am not trying to say it's ok to fat or skinny that is not what this post is trying to say, in fact, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say at this moment. It is almost 1 am.... I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning what I find attractive in myself, be it physical or not.
I'm currently living with my mother, for a multitude of reasons, some of which I am ashamed of and others which I am not, but that is a subject for another post. I mention it because she came home and said "I want us to do the total body cardio workout tonight." I'll admit to having more than my share of pizza today for lunch and I just wanted to veg and wasn't motivated to do much of anything. I was in a self-loathing, wallowing state of acceptance that I am overweight and that I have tried in the past and haven't seen results, so what's the point. I think I changed my mind because I wanted her to workout, I wanted her to feel better in her body, I knew that if she just exercised and ate a bit better, she would get to the body she wanted (based on prior experience, I know that she can lose the weight as she has done it before though not in the healthiest way, but again neither her nor there). So I put on my workout clothes and we did the total body cardio fix workout. It's only 30 minutes and though I didn't push myself to the extreme, it was a lot more than I'm used to. I mean I stick to something for about a week and when I don't see any positive changes, I tend to give up. Something that the chick said stuck with me a bit. "Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever". I am a quitter.
About two years ago I did a biggest loser challenge at my school. I tracked my calories and I exercised and I thought I was following the rules. I could have eaten better foods, but I was always in my calorie limit. For two months I did this and I lost no more than 3 or 4 pounds I think. Looking back that was about .5 lbs per week, which isn't that bad, but I was comparing myself to others in the competition that lost 15 or more pounds. Why wasn't I getting those results, I was following the rules, etc... It all went to my head and I decided that it wasn't worth it. I was going to eat what and when I wanted and I would exercise if I felt like it, but I wasn't going to kill myself trying to achieve something that wasn't going to happen for me.
I decided to "live my life" and to try to ignore the mirror. I avoided shopping if I didn't absolutely need an article of clothing because I didn't want to look at the numbers, it was depressing. I was "living my life" but not truly "living". I'm still not. I hole myself up in my home, partly because I don't actually have an income to do anything and partly because I don't want people to have to look at me. I still think that I look like a blemish on an otherwise beautiful world. I still think that I don't deserve to have friends or a boyfriend because I'm too large to be attractive to people and for them to want to be seen with me. If my mom and her boyfriend didn't drag me out of the house on weekends, I might otherwise not see the sun. I have sunk to a new low. I am a hermit. I am young and free, yet I don't want to go out into the world. I love to laugh and dance and sing, but in the comfort of my own home because I have been conditioned to feel that because I am overweight I'm not allowed to enjoy life, that I need to focus on lowering my weight to be "healthy". Blah blah blah. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I'm tired of my weight being the deciding factor of my happiness.
Ok sorry for the ramble. I'm not even going to go back and edit this. I just want it to feel like the natural stream of my thoughts. Welcome to my head. Sorry if there's any confusion. I'm a walking contradiction. Good night.
A friend of my posted an article to Facebook entitled "17 Problems All Naturally Skinny People Will Understand". My gut reaction was an initially anger. How is ok to be "naturally skinny" but it's not ok to be "naturally fat". I wasn't going to click on the link because I was, quite frankly, offended. Then I decided that I would read it and see what they have to say. As I read it I would change one word to the opposite and made a case that you could simply change all the "skinnies" to "fatties" and "eat more's" to "eat less", and that I was going to comment to my friend about the fact that it's a double edged sword, but I decided in my irritable state it was probably not the smartest thing to do as I didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama, especially on Facebook on a Sunday night, just not gonna happen.
So then I decided that I was going to write a post about all the points they made and switch the words around and make it for "fatties" like me. That was the intention for this post, but as I started to type I realize that if I do that, then I am stooping to a lower level and it is not in my nature to belittle people or to make fun of their body or to make them feel less then they are whether they be "fat" or "skinny". I think everyone is beautiful in their own right.
I believe that we all have to love and accept our bodies for what they are and what they do for us every day. I tend to dislike words like skinny and fat and curvy and thin because they are not forgiving words; they all have a negative connotation that society has created for us. That being said: you can be skinny and healthy, you can be fat and healthy, you can be curvy and unhealthy, you can be thin and unhealthy, you can be anything and everything in between. I wish that I could look in the mirror and love what I look like, but society has conditioned my brain so that I see a whale of a person in the mirror and can't imagine that anyone would find me beautiful because I am overweight. I am not trying to say it's ok to fat or skinny that is not what this post is trying to say, in fact, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say at this moment. It is almost 1 am.... I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning what I find attractive in myself, be it physical or not.
I'm currently living with my mother, for a multitude of reasons, some of which I am ashamed of and others which I am not, but that is a subject for another post. I mention it because she came home and said "I want us to do the total body cardio workout tonight." I'll admit to having more than my share of pizza today for lunch and I just wanted to veg and wasn't motivated to do much of anything. I was in a self-loathing, wallowing state of acceptance that I am overweight and that I have tried in the past and haven't seen results, so what's the point. I think I changed my mind because I wanted her to workout, I wanted her to feel better in her body, I knew that if she just exercised and ate a bit better, she would get to the body she wanted (based on prior experience, I know that she can lose the weight as she has done it before though not in the healthiest way, but again neither her nor there). So I put on my workout clothes and we did the total body cardio fix workout. It's only 30 minutes and though I didn't push myself to the extreme, it was a lot more than I'm used to. I mean I stick to something for about a week and when I don't see any positive changes, I tend to give up. Something that the chick said stuck with me a bit. "Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever". I am a quitter.
About two years ago I did a biggest loser challenge at my school. I tracked my calories and I exercised and I thought I was following the rules. I could have eaten better foods, but I was always in my calorie limit. For two months I did this and I lost no more than 3 or 4 pounds I think. Looking back that was about .5 lbs per week, which isn't that bad, but I was comparing myself to others in the competition that lost 15 or more pounds. Why wasn't I getting those results, I was following the rules, etc... It all went to my head and I decided that it wasn't worth it. I was going to eat what and when I wanted and I would exercise if I felt like it, but I wasn't going to kill myself trying to achieve something that wasn't going to happen for me.
I decided to "live my life" and to try to ignore the mirror. I avoided shopping if I didn't absolutely need an article of clothing because I didn't want to look at the numbers, it was depressing. I was "living my life" but not truly "living". I'm still not. I hole myself up in my home, partly because I don't actually have an income to do anything and partly because I don't want people to have to look at me. I still think that I look like a blemish on an otherwise beautiful world. I still think that I don't deserve to have friends or a boyfriend because I'm too large to be attractive to people and for them to want to be seen with me. If my mom and her boyfriend didn't drag me out of the house on weekends, I might otherwise not see the sun. I have sunk to a new low. I am a hermit. I am young and free, yet I don't want to go out into the world. I love to laugh and dance and sing, but in the comfort of my own home because I have been conditioned to feel that because I am overweight I'm not allowed to enjoy life, that I need to focus on lowering my weight to be "healthy". Blah blah blah. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I'm tired of my weight being the deciding factor of my happiness.
Ok sorry for the ramble. I'm not even going to go back and edit this. I just want it to feel like the natural stream of my thoughts. Welcome to my head. Sorry if there's any confusion. I'm a walking contradiction. Good night.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
You can do anything for 21 days: Day 2
Mom and I started the 21 day fix yesterday. Today is Day 2. I had intended to post before pics and measurements on Sunday night, but had a temper tantrum instead. Then I intended to do this post last night, but I distracted myself with Netflix and was determined to post this morning. When do I end up writing about this? At almost 10pm on the second day. Better late than never though right.
Before I do, I'll share some of my thoughts from the last two days.
- This is a ton of food. How can I eat all this?
- Also I'm hungry (at 11pm - I should be sleeping)
- I want chocolate!
- I'm so sore! (This has been said or thought at least 20 times today, and that was just after one workout, I hadn't even completed today's workout until 2pm; and was mostly said when I sat down or bent to pick something up. But that means that it's working my out right.)
I had more to say, but I think I just want to get the basics out of the way and go more in depth later.
Starting measurements
Weight: 243.7 (Zoinks!!! Can't believe it. So embarrassed and humiliated right now)
Chest: 43''
R Arm: 15"
L Arm: 14"
Waist: 39"
Hips: 52.5"
R Thigh: 29"
L Thigh: 28"
Total: 220.5"
Before pics: Yikes. I can't believe I'm actually going to post these, but I am. I have done this to myself and I need to keep the motivation up. Hopefully I can provide some sort of inspiration for other.
Before I do, I'll share some of my thoughts from the last two days.
- This is a ton of food. How can I eat all this?
- Also I'm hungry (at 11pm - I should be sleeping)
- I want chocolate!
- I'm so sore! (This has been said or thought at least 20 times today, and that was just after one workout, I hadn't even completed today's workout until 2pm; and was mostly said when I sat down or bent to pick something up. But that means that it's working my out right.)
I had more to say, but I think I just want to get the basics out of the way and go more in depth later.
Starting measurements
Weight: 243.7 (Zoinks!!! Can't believe it. So embarrassed and humiliated right now)
Chest: 43''
R Arm: 15"
L Arm: 14"
Waist: 39"
Hips: 52.5"
R Thigh: 29"
L Thigh: 28"
Total: 220.5"
Before pics: Yikes. I can't believe I'm actually going to post these, but I am. I have done this to myself and I need to keep the motivation up. Hopefully I can provide some sort of inspiration for other.
Friday, September 12, 2014
The lazy life of me and a couple beach pics
It's time for another post. I haven't done much in the past month. Wow, over a month has gone by, and I have nothing to show for it. I have done some things around the house that mom wanted done: drained and cleaned and refilled the hot tub, cleaned the bar area and drawers in the kitchen, laundry, clean bathrooms. But that's pretty much it.
I have things that I need to be doing. For example, I need to take a CPR certification class. I've been putting it off and putting it off, I need to go ahead and pay for it and go in and get my card. Then when that is done, I need to print out my applications for state licensure. I think I keep putting these things off because I am so terrified to get my board scores back. I literally have small panic attacks when I start to think about it and get freaked out, so I change my thought process almost immediately. This makes it difficult to focus on anything optometry related. I just can't deal. I just can't. I have less than two weeks now. I may be freaking out a little more now that one of my friends did not pass their state boards. Sucks for this person and I truly feel for them, but I'm quite a bit farther behind. Life on standby remember. Anywho...
Well, I haven't been totally cooped up in my house for the last month. I have had weekend trips to Pensacola and Gulf Shores. The Pensacola trip was to go tubing with some friends and then we explored the fort, but we got too much sun tubing that we didn't spend any time on the beach. Not a big problem because I'm fat and don't like to expose my body to the ridicule of the other people on the beach too much. Then we went to Gulf Shores to explore for some potential real estate to rent out (well my mom's bf was looking for real estate to invest it to rent out) I was just there for the ride. It was nice because we went after school started and the season was pretty much over - so there weren't that many people on the beach. It was nice to squish my toes in the sand and play in the water a little bit, even if the waves were pretty rough over the weekend. I got two amazing pictures at the beach. If I say so myself, they are pretty amazing. I think I'll share them here.
I think I may have missed my calling as a photographer. I do love my crafts and try to be creative. I need to blog more when I do cool things like that. I did my mom's finger nails the other week and got creative with the design. I should have taken a couple of pics and posted them here. I also made banana bread the other day, I should have taken pics and walked you through my baking. But... I do have a dozen apples to do something with and have decided to bake something tomorrow. It may be apple bread, it may be apple cake, it may be apple pie, I have no clue yet, but I will keep you updated with it.
I have things that I need to be doing. For example, I need to take a CPR certification class. I've been putting it off and putting it off, I need to go ahead and pay for it and go in and get my card. Then when that is done, I need to print out my applications for state licensure. I think I keep putting these things off because I am so terrified to get my board scores back. I literally have small panic attacks when I start to think about it and get freaked out, so I change my thought process almost immediately. This makes it difficult to focus on anything optometry related. I just can't deal. I just can't. I have less than two weeks now. I may be freaking out a little more now that one of my friends did not pass their state boards. Sucks for this person and I truly feel for them, but I'm quite a bit farther behind. Life on standby remember. Anywho...
Well, I haven't been totally cooped up in my house for the last month. I have had weekend trips to Pensacola and Gulf Shores. The Pensacola trip was to go tubing with some friends and then we explored the fort, but we got too much sun tubing that we didn't spend any time on the beach. Not a big problem because I'm fat and don't like to expose my body to the ridicule of the other people on the beach too much. Then we went to Gulf Shores to explore for some potential real estate to rent out (well my mom's bf was looking for real estate to invest it to rent out) I was just there for the ride. It was nice because we went after school started and the season was pretty much over - so there weren't that many people on the beach. It was nice to squish my toes in the sand and play in the water a little bit, even if the waves were pretty rough over the weekend. I got two amazing pictures at the beach. If I say so myself, they are pretty amazing. I think I'll share them here.
 |
| beach stairs |
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| boardwalk |
I think I may have missed my calling as a photographer. I do love my crafts and try to be creative. I need to blog more when I do cool things like that. I did my mom's finger nails the other week and got creative with the design. I should have taken a couple of pics and posted them here. I also made banana bread the other day, I should have taken pics and walked you through my baking. But... I do have a dozen apples to do something with and have decided to bake something tomorrow. It may be apple bread, it may be apple cake, it may be apple pie, I have no clue yet, but I will keep you updated with it.
Also, mom just bought a knit pattern book. She wants me to make her a shawl. Looks like I'll have to make a trip to JoAnn's for some Patons lace soon. Just another one of the projects I want to do. Don't know why I don't do them during the day. I get caught up in sleeping, watching tv, and browsing the web.
Have a beautiful evening. Sweet dreams.
When one door closes, somewhere a window opens.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Another depressing entry...
I have made it home after taking the board for the fourth time. Yeah, as if that isn't depressing enough, I feel like crap about it. Every time I went to consult my notes for something I didn't see previously and was expecting on the next session, I would find something else that I messed up, another question where I had narrowed it down to two answers and chose the wrong one.
Each time I have studied more and more. Each time it has gotten harder and harder. Each time I have gotten more questions right. Each time the percentage to pass has been raised and raised. This time I feel worse, I feel more depressed and pathetic leaving it. I guess I'm not meant to be this person that I thought I was. I'm not meant to be a doctor. After 9 years of school and 200K in student debt, I have nothing to show for it all, other than a total of 60 pounds of weight since I started 9 years ago.
I feel like a failure. I fail at life. Everything I touch goes to pot. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I am is good enough. I'm mediocre at best. Even now I'm not even feeling mediocre. I'm a plane spiraling and falling, closer and closer to the ground. I see my life spinning faster and faster out of control. I keep crashing. Just once I want to be able to get control and not crash. This is probably going to end up another big mess for me to clean up, and this time I'm not sure I want to rebuild the plane and get back up in the sky.
I'm sure I did better than I'm expecting, yet I'm not expecting to pass. And that sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't pass. I feel like my life is on standby; like someone has said this movie is boring and pressed pause to get a snack. I keep drifting further and further out in space. I can look for jobs, but I can't take any of them until I know that I passed the board because I can't practice without passing. It would suck worse to get into negotiations with someone only to have to tell them no because I'll have to take it again in March (half a year away). So for the next 50 days, I will end up bumming around the house, feeling depressed, and just wait.
It's like the crosswalk. The ones that talk and tell you when you can walk and when you have to wait. My life crosswalk is saying Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm trying to get from point a to point b. Point b is several blocks down and one across. So while I'm waiting I'll just walk down the blocks until I get to one that I can cross at. Now I'm at the last place to cross, I can't walk down further because it's a dead end and I can't cross because I have a red light. So I just sit at the coffee shop on the corner and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Each time I have studied more and more. Each time it has gotten harder and harder. Each time I have gotten more questions right. Each time the percentage to pass has been raised and raised. This time I feel worse, I feel more depressed and pathetic leaving it. I guess I'm not meant to be this person that I thought I was. I'm not meant to be a doctor. After 9 years of school and 200K in student debt, I have nothing to show for it all, other than a total of 60 pounds of weight since I started 9 years ago.
I feel like a failure. I fail at life. Everything I touch goes to pot. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I am is good enough. I'm mediocre at best. Even now I'm not even feeling mediocre. I'm a plane spiraling and falling, closer and closer to the ground. I see my life spinning faster and faster out of control. I keep crashing. Just once I want to be able to get control and not crash. This is probably going to end up another big mess for me to clean up, and this time I'm not sure I want to rebuild the plane and get back up in the sky.
I'm sure I did better than I'm expecting, yet I'm not expecting to pass. And that sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't pass. I feel like my life is on standby; like someone has said this movie is boring and pressed pause to get a snack. I keep drifting further and further out in space. I can look for jobs, but I can't take any of them until I know that I passed the board because I can't practice without passing. It would suck worse to get into negotiations with someone only to have to tell them no because I'll have to take it again in March (half a year away). So for the next 50 days, I will end up bumming around the house, feeling depressed, and just wait.
It's like the crosswalk. The ones that talk and tell you when you can walk and when you have to wait. My life crosswalk is saying Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm trying to get from point a to point b. Point b is several blocks down and one across. So while I'm waiting I'll just walk down the blocks until I get to one that I can cross at. Now I'm at the last place to cross, I can't walk down further because it's a dead end and I can't cross because I have a red light. So I just sit at the coffee shop on the corner and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
It's been too long, time to check in
I haven't been focusing on much of anything regarding my health or weight recently. In May I found out that I didn't pass my board again and I will be retaking it the first week of August.
This past week, I have been getting up the elliptical and walking and even started a squat challenge on facebook. These have all provided me with a built in study break during the day. I have also decided to honestly and reliably record my food and calories.
I have been doing a lot of moving the past 6 months as well, as I was moving between locations for my externships and finally the big move back home at 27 with 1.5 degrees to my name. (For the record I "graduated" in May - at least I walked in the graduation ceremony, but I won't get my diploma and transcript until I pass this board). So call me Doc if you want, but I won't feel right about it until I get that diploma.
Anyway back to the point. I have a fitbit tracker and aria scale. I haven't been using the scale because I haven't had my own internet set up for a while. I dug it out of storage and set it up with my mom's network and stepped on the scale.
What?! 11 pound increase since I last checked in 1.5 months ago. I moved home one month ago. I know that it's because I've been so sedentary. Being home, the only thing I have had to do is study for the board, so I hadn't been doing much of anything during the day. I can't believe I've been home for one month. Yikes! Has it really been that long.
Needless to say, I am not a happy camper. This explains why my jeans are feeling especially tight. I am only comfortable in pjs and my yoga pants and workout shorts. This news confirms my worst fear and why I have been avoiding actually going out in public, when mom and her new boyfriend have been wanting me to go out with them on the weekend.
Well, I think that's about all for tonight. Time to get back to my studying. 12 days to go.
You can follow my journey on MyFitnessPal at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/user/shu10str/status or on FitBit at https://www.fitbit.com/user/23CM4T
Monday, May 26, 2014
It's not easy being green... with envy
Green. It's my favorite color. It just so happens that it is also the color of envy.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is green where you water it. My grass is looking pretty brown right about now. I am the victim of the green-eyed monster. Have you had enough of the idioms? I'm sure you'll get more.
Envy: when you want something that others have. I realize that I could do something to stop feeling this way but it's hard. It's hard when people look right through you.
I wish I was so many things. I wish to be pretty, smart, fun, witty. Right about now I feel none of those things. I feel ugly (I have pretty hair - that's pretty much the only compliment I get on my appearance ever - even when I try a new outfit or something; I realize that I don't have a good body but it would be nice to be complimented on something other than my curls, I feel like that is my only defining feature). I feel stupid - yes, I just 'graduated' from optometry school, but yep you guessed it, I'm having to take a particular test again. Why is this happening to me again. WHY?! I don't understand why I have to keep being knocked down, I'm already in the mud, I don't need my face rubbed in it. On the other hand, it could be construed as a blessing, that there is a reason for this, that I am strong enough to handle it. I should be thinking of it like that; my motto has always been that everything happens for a reason, so why should this be any different. When one door closes, another opens. I can't see what is in store for me, or why I'm having to go through this again, but I suppose that there is a reason. I am not fun. Case in point: my mom and dad and I went out to celebrate after my graduation and I had no idea where to go, no idea of what bars to go to. Why? Because I didn't go out with people during school. Why? Because I was overlooked. I would go out once and then ask them to text me when they go out again or whatever, but I never got any texts. When classmates bands played, I went by myself, not knowing that others got together before hand. Why? Because I'm invisible, people look right by me. I learned early to do things on my own many years ago. I like being on my own, but I like doing things with people too. I've never understood why people never invite me to do anything; I've almost always said yes or I'm available when things come up... The only things I can think of is that I'm not pretty or stylish enough and people are ashamed to be seen with me or that I'm just not fun enough. It takes time for me to feel comfortable around people and let myself be silly around them. It takes too much effort for other people to get to know me. I've always been the outcast, the loner, it's been easier somehow despite how much it hurts.
I don't know how to interact with people. I don't have stories, I don't have life experience because I haven't had friends to do things with. I remember being such an active and talkative child, where did it change, when did it go wrong? High school. Freshman year I was in Virginia. I wasn't popular by any means, but I have a few friends and I was happy with that. I even had a boyfriend for a few weeks. My self esteem took a hit that year though by being called thunder thighs when I was being fit for a dance costume. I was coming to terms with myself and then I was uprooted to Georgia the summer between freshman and sophomore year. I was so depressed. I found dance and a few friends (none of which would stick) and made it through but not without the thoughts that no one would notice if I wasn't there. I was not asked to a single homecoming or prom, even by friends. I went to my senior prom alone, after a dance competition, on my 18th birthday. I was a goody two shoes, and mediocre at everything I did - still am. I don't have anything particular to say about college or optometry school mostly because I don't want to go into any of it. The point is that I haven't been living, I've just been existing, even now. I just spent three days in my apartment, the only interaction I had with another person (outside of the internet) was Saturday when I went out for food. Why? Because I don't like me. I hate the way I look and feel like people are judging me by what I'm wearing, how it doesn't flatter my fat body, that I'm trying too hard, and then feeling sorry for me because I'm all alone and fat. Am I just projecting what I'm feeling and seeing in the mirror? Probably, but who's to say that it's not what they are thinking anyway.
It all boils down to the fact that I hate myself. Mostly I hate the way I look. I could change if I wanted to. I could, but it's just easier to hide from the world in my apartment and more comfortable to sit around in sweats and t-shirts because they don't make me feel fat. It's so much easier to hide than to feel judged out in the world. It's easier to hide than to admit that you failed Part 1 so many times, that you almost feel like you should just give up. It's easier to sleep all day than to face the world.
I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either
-Feel by Robbie Williams
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is green where you water it. My grass is looking pretty brown right about now. I am the victim of the green-eyed monster. Have you had enough of the idioms? I'm sure you'll get more.
Envy: when you want something that others have. I realize that I could do something to stop feeling this way but it's hard. It's hard when people look right through you.
I wish I was so many things. I wish to be pretty, smart, fun, witty. Right about now I feel none of those things. I feel ugly (I have pretty hair - that's pretty much the only compliment I get on my appearance ever - even when I try a new outfit or something; I realize that I don't have a good body but it would be nice to be complimented on something other than my curls, I feel like that is my only defining feature). I feel stupid - yes, I just 'graduated' from optometry school, but yep you guessed it, I'm having to take a particular test again. Why is this happening to me again. WHY?! I don't understand why I have to keep being knocked down, I'm already in the mud, I don't need my face rubbed in it. On the other hand, it could be construed as a blessing, that there is a reason for this, that I am strong enough to handle it. I should be thinking of it like that; my motto has always been that everything happens for a reason, so why should this be any different. When one door closes, another opens. I can't see what is in store for me, or why I'm having to go through this again, but I suppose that there is a reason. I am not fun. Case in point: my mom and dad and I went out to celebrate after my graduation and I had no idea where to go, no idea of what bars to go to. Why? Because I didn't go out with people during school. Why? Because I was overlooked. I would go out once and then ask them to text me when they go out again or whatever, but I never got any texts. When classmates bands played, I went by myself, not knowing that others got together before hand. Why? Because I'm invisible, people look right by me. I learned early to do things on my own many years ago. I like being on my own, but I like doing things with people too. I've never understood why people never invite me to do anything; I've almost always said yes or I'm available when things come up... The only things I can think of is that I'm not pretty or stylish enough and people are ashamed to be seen with me or that I'm just not fun enough. It takes time for me to feel comfortable around people and let myself be silly around them. It takes too much effort for other people to get to know me. I've always been the outcast, the loner, it's been easier somehow despite how much it hurts.
I don't know how to interact with people. I don't have stories, I don't have life experience because I haven't had friends to do things with. I remember being such an active and talkative child, where did it change, when did it go wrong? High school. Freshman year I was in Virginia. I wasn't popular by any means, but I have a few friends and I was happy with that. I even had a boyfriend for a few weeks. My self esteem took a hit that year though by being called thunder thighs when I was being fit for a dance costume. I was coming to terms with myself and then I was uprooted to Georgia the summer between freshman and sophomore year. I was so depressed. I found dance and a few friends (none of which would stick) and made it through but not without the thoughts that no one would notice if I wasn't there. I was not asked to a single homecoming or prom, even by friends. I went to my senior prom alone, after a dance competition, on my 18th birthday. I was a goody two shoes, and mediocre at everything I did - still am. I don't have anything particular to say about college or optometry school mostly because I don't want to go into any of it. The point is that I haven't been living, I've just been existing, even now. I just spent three days in my apartment, the only interaction I had with another person (outside of the internet) was Saturday when I went out for food. Why? Because I don't like me. I hate the way I look and feel like people are judging me by what I'm wearing, how it doesn't flatter my fat body, that I'm trying too hard, and then feeling sorry for me because I'm all alone and fat. Am I just projecting what I'm feeling and seeing in the mirror? Probably, but who's to say that it's not what they are thinking anyway.
It all boils down to the fact that I hate myself. Mostly I hate the way I look. I could change if I wanted to. I could, but it's just easier to hide from the world in my apartment and more comfortable to sit around in sweats and t-shirts because they don't make me feel fat. It's so much easier to hide than to feel judged out in the world. It's easier to hide than to admit that you failed Part 1 so many times, that you almost feel like you should just give up. It's easier to sleep all day than to face the world.
I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either
-Feel by Robbie Williams
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Insomnia and tangent thinking
The cure for insomnia... first post an ambiguous post on social media, write about it in your journal, and of course blog about it...
As I start this I can feel my eyelids getting heavier, but if I try to lay down and sleep, my mind will start racing again and keeping me up with questions about the future or even the present.
Where do I begin? Um how about state licensure. I have to take a law exam, 90 minutes - 60 questions, not bad, but I can't take it until the state says I'm eligible. I'm not eligible until I finish the application, but I can't finish the application until I get them a few things. First I have to get them a copy of my transcript, but that of course won't be ready for several weeks, about 25-30 days from now, so no go there. Second they need my scores for boards - which is a whole other pressing matter on my shoulders. I'm waiting for my Part 1 and Part 3 scores, which I'll get the first full week in May, about 20 days from now. I guess there's no point in stressing over this since I can't really control any of that at this point. It's a waiting game, but it is seriously stressing me out, mostly because I am terrified that I didn't pass Part 1 this time around, like way freaked out about this. I probably need to see a therapist and get on some meds or something because I'm really starting to have panic attacks and am getting really anxious every time I think about it. If I don't pass, then I can't get licensed, then I can't practice. Ahhh!!!! Ok that is the big thing.
The other major thing that is keeping me awake is the job thing. I met with a doc in a town across the state, and the more time passes the more I realize that that particular practice is not where I want to be: it's small, I feel like I don't have space, I'm not sure that I would learn what I need to about practice (insurance, business management, etc), doesn't have the equipment that I would like direct access to to practice at the level I'm used to. So yeah I guess that is out, but the salary was amazing, really good for a new OD but I don't think it would prepare me for the future. The place I'm doing my internship right now is a practice that I had teched at while in undergrad and I am very comfortable there and know the doc really well, the doc and I work well together and she can provide me with a ton of knowledge on insurance, billing, business management, etc. Thing is she wants to bring me on as an independent contractor. That means that I'd have to put money aside to pay for taxes, not a problem I'm sure, but it also means that I won't be making a ton of money, I think it would be enough to live comfortably on while still being able to pay off loans and everything. It's going to take a lot of legwork, especially initially, on my part. I need to figure out how to get started. I'm going to have to get my own malpractice, personal insurance, do I have to be a s-corp or LLC, hire a CPA. All this requires money and I don't have any of that... Seriously, how am I supposed to pay for all this? That's my big concern here. I think this might be the best thing for me, at least to start out. I want/need to know the business aspect and the best way is to do it, I feel comfortable asking and learning from this doc. My parents aren't going to like it. I have to make the decision that I feel is the best for me. Follow for future posts on how I make out..
I'm single. I have no responsibilities to anyone but myself. I have no one to help me. I have no one to answer to. I have no one else's life to consider, which is good for me I guess. I'm not ready to settle down, I don't want to have take someone else into consideration, but I'm also a bit lonely. I don't have that other person to lean on. I am completely dependent on myself, which means I have to figure out how to live on my own money and don't have extra income, ya know what I'm getting at here. I can't believe that I'm almost 27 and still single, my life definitely isn't how I pictured it being at this point. But I've still got like 60 years or so of life left to live, so I've got time.
I just see guys I've been interested in and they are with other girls, and I can't help but feel a little jealous. I feel sometimes like what is wrong with me? Why don't guys want me? And I answer that with: I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough. I'm too depressed, I don't have a life, I don't know how to meet people, and the people that I do know seem to always forget me and overlook me. I don't know how many people in this world really consider me a friend. I can count them on one finger, outside of family. There is only one person that I feel like I could call at almost any time, but she has her husband and probably has several best friends. I don't have any.
Do you see how one little thought in my mind travels and transverses several subjects and makes me more depressed and more stressed. Sorry, probably more info that you would ever want to know about me, but oh well. Sending this out into the cosmos... Well wishes appreciated. I'm sure it will all work out well and how it is supposed to.
As I start this I can feel my eyelids getting heavier, but if I try to lay down and sleep, my mind will start racing again and keeping me up with questions about the future or even the present.
Where do I begin? Um how about state licensure. I have to take a law exam, 90 minutes - 60 questions, not bad, but I can't take it until the state says I'm eligible. I'm not eligible until I finish the application, but I can't finish the application until I get them a few things. First I have to get them a copy of my transcript, but that of course won't be ready for several weeks, about 25-30 days from now, so no go there. Second they need my scores for boards - which is a whole other pressing matter on my shoulders. I'm waiting for my Part 1 and Part 3 scores, which I'll get the first full week in May, about 20 days from now. I guess there's no point in stressing over this since I can't really control any of that at this point. It's a waiting game, but it is seriously stressing me out, mostly because I am terrified that I didn't pass Part 1 this time around, like way freaked out about this. I probably need to see a therapist and get on some meds or something because I'm really starting to have panic attacks and am getting really anxious every time I think about it. If I don't pass, then I can't get licensed, then I can't practice. Ahhh!!!! Ok that is the big thing.
The other major thing that is keeping me awake is the job thing. I met with a doc in a town across the state, and the more time passes the more I realize that that particular practice is not where I want to be: it's small, I feel like I don't have space, I'm not sure that I would learn what I need to about practice (insurance, business management, etc), doesn't have the equipment that I would like direct access to to practice at the level I'm used to. So yeah I guess that is out, but the salary was amazing, really good for a new OD but I don't think it would prepare me for the future. The place I'm doing my internship right now is a practice that I had teched at while in undergrad and I am very comfortable there and know the doc really well, the doc and I work well together and she can provide me with a ton of knowledge on insurance, billing, business management, etc. Thing is she wants to bring me on as an independent contractor. That means that I'd have to put money aside to pay for taxes, not a problem I'm sure, but it also means that I won't be making a ton of money, I think it would be enough to live comfortably on while still being able to pay off loans and everything. It's going to take a lot of legwork, especially initially, on my part. I need to figure out how to get started. I'm going to have to get my own malpractice, personal insurance, do I have to be a s-corp or LLC, hire a CPA. All this requires money and I don't have any of that... Seriously, how am I supposed to pay for all this? That's my big concern here. I think this might be the best thing for me, at least to start out. I want/need to know the business aspect and the best way is to do it, I feel comfortable asking and learning from this doc. My parents aren't going to like it. I have to make the decision that I feel is the best for me. Follow for future posts on how I make out..
I'm single. I have no responsibilities to anyone but myself. I have no one to help me. I have no one to answer to. I have no one else's life to consider, which is good for me I guess. I'm not ready to settle down, I don't want to have take someone else into consideration, but I'm also a bit lonely. I don't have that other person to lean on. I am completely dependent on myself, which means I have to figure out how to live on my own money and don't have extra income, ya know what I'm getting at here. I can't believe that I'm almost 27 and still single, my life definitely isn't how I pictured it being at this point. But I've still got like 60 years or so of life left to live, so I've got time.
I just see guys I've been interested in and they are with other girls, and I can't help but feel a little jealous. I feel sometimes like what is wrong with me? Why don't guys want me? And I answer that with: I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough. I'm too depressed, I don't have a life, I don't know how to meet people, and the people that I do know seem to always forget me and overlook me. I don't know how many people in this world really consider me a friend. I can count them on one finger, outside of family. There is only one person that I feel like I could call at almost any time, but she has her husband and probably has several best friends. I don't have any.
Do you see how one little thought in my mind travels and transverses several subjects and makes me more depressed and more stressed. Sorry, probably more info that you would ever want to know about me, but oh well. Sending this out into the cosmos... Well wishes appreciated. I'm sure it will all work out well and how it is supposed to.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
The Past
Sometime I fear that I live too much in the past. I remember the girl I used to be and wish that I could be as outgoing and energetic as I once was. But, I'm not that girl anymore. I am just me, but I don't know how to describe myself. I am just trying to make it through each day as it comes. I dread the future. I don't like to imagine what the future holds for me, mostly because I can't imagine it being happy, when I do imagine it, I see debt, tears, sadness, etc... Just when I start to feel like my life is turning around, when I stop remembering the people that I used to love or spend time with I just sadder, or those people show up at random again.
I don't know what I'm saying any more. I just know that an ex just added me to a google+ circle, no message or anything, but it's still weird right? I mean come on, what does this guy want from me. I gave him three and half years of my life, I spent my early twenties almost exclusively with this guy instead of forging relationships with others, instead of solidifying friendships to last me into adulthood. I don't blame him, I blame myself. Then when I moved, he decided not to come with me and left me broken hearted in a new place all alone. I am no longer broken hearted and I no longer love him, I'm not really sure I ever truly loved him - there was always a seed of doubt about that when I read back to some diary entries I wrote. I was happy that someone was paying me attention I think. Regardless, I was heart broken, so I guess I did love him in some way but not the way you are meant to love a soulmate. Then about a year ago, he popped back into my life and in a moment of loneliness, I let him in. We had a night of chatting about things I'd rather not mention here, but I'm not proud of what I did or said that night. Needless to say, he disappeared after that. I'm trying hard to not give too many details, like I said I'm not proud. I guess I had just wanted the closure that I never got after the break-up. I still haven't received the answers that I wanted. So this addition to a circle could very well be something very innocent and mean nothing at all, but I seem to find meaning in every single particle of dust. Some people are meant to come into your life and teach you a lesson, some people stay and many fade out of your life as quickly as they entered it. Some people just stay in that gray area. I remain friends with a couple of guys that I have fancied in the past, but we aren't much more than acquaintances now. This particular guy, I'm not sure I want to have in my life at all; he played his part and now it's time for his name to roll on with the credits, not keep popping up like that oh so frustrating game that you knock the hedgehogs on the the head (you know the arcade game I'm talking of). So many metaphors tonight. It must be my imagination getting the better of me about everything this evening.
I've been so focused on getting through school the last four years. Oh god, it has been four years, yikes! Anyway I've been so focused on getting through school that I haven't given myself the opportunity to have any kind of relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I have had my crushes but it has never come to any kind of fruition. I'm not even sure that I want to let anyone into my life. I have grown accustomed to being alone and building a life for myself that I don't know that I want to let someone be a part of it. Am I being jaded, do I think that I can't trust anyone again, that I can't love anyone again, maybe I just don't think anyone could love me. I'm afraid of repeating the past, I'm afraid of repeating other's mistakes, I'm afraid of not loving the man I marry, I'm afraid of not ever getting married, I'm terrified of the future and what it holds for me. I'm just scared and that makes me depressed. I suppose I should see someone, but what's the point. They can't tell me anything I don't know. They would be an open ear for me to talk to but that's what I'm doing here on this blog, isn't it. Rambling on and on about my life for no one who even cares or even wants to know. This is probably more than you ever wanted to know about me and my life, but maybe someone will stumble across this and realize that they aren't alone. Maybe someone out there is feeling the exact same way I am feeling at this moment and thinking they are alone. There are billions of people out there, we are just a grain of sand on this enormous beach of life trying not to get washed away by the waves.
I guess I'll stop my rambling for tonight and get some rest.
I don't know what I'm saying any more. I just know that an ex just added me to a google+ circle, no message or anything, but it's still weird right? I mean come on, what does this guy want from me. I gave him three and half years of my life, I spent my early twenties almost exclusively with this guy instead of forging relationships with others, instead of solidifying friendships to last me into adulthood. I don't blame him, I blame myself. Then when I moved, he decided not to come with me and left me broken hearted in a new place all alone. I am no longer broken hearted and I no longer love him, I'm not really sure I ever truly loved him - there was always a seed of doubt about that when I read back to some diary entries I wrote. I was happy that someone was paying me attention I think. Regardless, I was heart broken, so I guess I did love him in some way but not the way you are meant to love a soulmate. Then about a year ago, he popped back into my life and in a moment of loneliness, I let him in. We had a night of chatting about things I'd rather not mention here, but I'm not proud of what I did or said that night. Needless to say, he disappeared after that. I'm trying hard to not give too many details, like I said I'm not proud. I guess I had just wanted the closure that I never got after the break-up. I still haven't received the answers that I wanted. So this addition to a circle could very well be something very innocent and mean nothing at all, but I seem to find meaning in every single particle of dust. Some people are meant to come into your life and teach you a lesson, some people stay and many fade out of your life as quickly as they entered it. Some people just stay in that gray area. I remain friends with a couple of guys that I have fancied in the past, but we aren't much more than acquaintances now. This particular guy, I'm not sure I want to have in my life at all; he played his part and now it's time for his name to roll on with the credits, not keep popping up like that oh so frustrating game that you knock the hedgehogs on the the head (you know the arcade game I'm talking of). So many metaphors tonight. It must be my imagination getting the better of me about everything this evening.
I've been so focused on getting through school the last four years. Oh god, it has been four years, yikes! Anyway I've been so focused on getting through school that I haven't given myself the opportunity to have any kind of relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I have had my crushes but it has never come to any kind of fruition. I'm not even sure that I want to let anyone into my life. I have grown accustomed to being alone and building a life for myself that I don't know that I want to let someone be a part of it. Am I being jaded, do I think that I can't trust anyone again, that I can't love anyone again, maybe I just don't think anyone could love me. I'm afraid of repeating the past, I'm afraid of repeating other's mistakes, I'm afraid of not loving the man I marry, I'm afraid of not ever getting married, I'm terrified of the future and what it holds for me. I'm just scared and that makes me depressed. I suppose I should see someone, but what's the point. They can't tell me anything I don't know. They would be an open ear for me to talk to but that's what I'm doing here on this blog, isn't it. Rambling on and on about my life for no one who even cares or even wants to know. This is probably more than you ever wanted to know about me and my life, but maybe someone will stumble across this and realize that they aren't alone. Maybe someone out there is feeling the exact same way I am feeling at this moment and thinking they are alone. There are billions of people out there, we are just a grain of sand on this enormous beach of life trying not to get washed away by the waves.
I guess I'll stop my rambling for tonight and get some rest.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Whoops
Well, so much for posting every day. Things just got out of hand. If you want to see all my pics, my instagram is: shu10str.
I can't believe that my time in Montgomery is almost up. Everyone has been really great and I have learned so much about conditions that I haven't seen before, about the type of practice I want to pursue, and the kind of doctor that I hope to be and potray to my patients. It has been a great rotation overall.
Less than three months to go untl graduation now!!! Can't wait.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Day 6 - C is for
C is for... Color vision! Way to keep up the optometry theme throughout this photo challenge. I was going it take a pic of an actual ishihara plate, but I forgot to. Instead I have an app that has color plates on it, so it took a screenshot.
Can you tell what number it is? Keeping up with this blog is a little harder than I thought. Mostly because I don't know what to write about every day. I cancbarely come up with a sentence for my five year journal most days.
Day 5 - Square
I'm a day behind on this one. The theme was square. Honestly I thought it would be like orange... As soon as I had the theme in mind then it would show up everywhere. That wasn't the case unfortunately. I don't see much of anything square, it's all curved or round or rectangular. I did come across this though:
It's ice breakers ice cube gum. Lol. It works I guess.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Day 4 - Childhood
One on my favorite memories of being a child was going to the park with my brother and dad. In Texas there was a huge wooden park. I loved running around and playing hide and seek and having dad swing my brother and me on the tire swing. In fact, I still love parks and play sets and swings and slides. I remember my cousins built a tree fort in Ohio. It was by far the coolest thing I had ever seen. I always wanted a tree house. Then in Virginia there was a park in our neighborhood, that's where we all hung out in middle school - we had water gun fights and played hide and seek throughout the entire neighborhood. My favorite place was that neighborhood in Virginia. I have so many memories, I could fill a book with all I did there. I was alive there. What happened?... Anyway.
A great date would be going to a large park and running through it, pretending to be on a pirate ship or in a treehouse in the forest. Something like in "Bones" when Hodgins and Angela have their first date on a swing set. <3 love it. Love "Bones" by the way too. I just finished watching Season 5. Balled like a baby on the finale, just like I did when I saw it originally. Love Bones and Booth together. Season 5 has to be the best season, the lingering glances, Booth's love for Brennan showing up in everything he does and says and looks. Swoon! Sorry about that tangent. I just really want someone to love me like that one day. I have hope, I mean Booth and Bones are in their late 30's and early 40's. I'm only in my late 20's (barely) so I have time still.
Now is my time to get my career started. Now is my time to finally figure out who I am outside of being a student. I feel like that has been my identity for so long and I don't know who I am if I'm not a student. I'm not a girlfriend. I may be an acquaintance for some. A daughter/sister/niece/cousin/granddaughter to others. I need to figure out how I identify myself. Doctor? Woman? Independent? I'm not very good at this am I? I'll figure it out eventually. For now, bed and dreaming about playgrounds and parks and being a kid.
Day 3 - Orange
My first thought was "I don't have a lot of orange in my life". I don't particularly like the color orange. I could be that I think it's an ugly color. It could be the fact that I worked for Home Depot as a cashier for some time, and just had fill of orange aprons. Then keeping the theme in mind today, I saw orange everywhere. It is on my Starbucks K-cups, on the bread packaging, on my toothpaste squeezer, my astringent is an orangey-pink color, the blogger website icon, the Firefox icon, but there's one thing I didn't even notice... Something I look at almost every day... The retina. How could I forget about the retina. True the retina itself is clear and when you are looking at the fundus the color is from deeper structures, but the isn't really the point here. The point is that I see at least 6-8 retinas average each day right now and forgot to register what I see. In honor of orange I present my retina. No HIPPA violations here, this is not a patients fundus, this is my own fundus.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Day 2 - favorite
Today the them was favorite. My favorite thing is stars. If you ever want to get me something and aren't sure about what, you can't go wrong with anything that has stars on it. When "A walk to remember" came out, one of the things the guy does is name a star after the female character. I don't remember their names but that's not important. I always wanted someone to name a star after me since. In fact if and when I get engaged, I want stars to factor in somewhere: name a star, star ring, during a meteor shower, watching falling stars, etc something star related or he is not the right guy for me. The right guy will know that stars are my favorite thing ever!
Other than that, not much is going on. I have the Super Bowl in the tv for background noise, but I'm not really watching it. Mom decided that the Seahawks should be my team because of the green. Green btw is my favorite color. Lime green. Like the green in the Seahawks uniform. Perfect huh. I also turned in my apartment keys and no longer have anything in Birmingham. No ties to bind me there at all. Amazing feeling.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Day 1
I have this blog that I haven't been doing much on lately, so I thought I'd combine the two together. I will post my pics on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, and here. Here, I will elaborate a little on each one and maybe update about what is going on each day as well.
So without further ado, here is my first photo.
I took this in Birmingham. My last full day in my apartment here. I am turning in my keys tomorrow. It's a little weird knowing that I no longer live in Birmingham. It's been my home for the last three and half years. So I took this pic on my iPad. I was working around the light pouring in from the window. I was trying to hid the pimple on my cheek, I succeeded. I don't usually take selfies, so I thought I'd do one instead of trying to be creative, which I'm not by the way. I think it's a pretty accurate representation of me, I don't have much makeup on, I don't have a huge smile in my face, but I'm not scowling either, my hair has a bit of a wave to it from th french braid I slept in instead of my usual curls. Just a basic me on a typical Saturday.
See you tomorrow.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Another New Year
I have to say that I wasn't particularly fond of 2013. It brought a lot of challenges and obstacles, that (sorry to say) brought me to my knees and knocked my self esteem and self confidence down to the bottom most rung.
In order to not repeat your mistakes, you have to first confront them and realize where and what went wrong, right? This is just what I am preparing to do; I think I'll break the year down and note the big things that happened each month.
January - rang in the New Year with my mom's boyfriend's 17 year old daughter. Can't remember the last time I was excited for a New Year's Eve. 2006 don't remember, 2007 alone, 2008 w/Josh, 2009 w/Josh, 2010 w/Josh, 2011 alone, 2012 w/mom at Patty's, 2013 w/mom's boyfriend's daughter. The New Year's Eves with Josh were ok, I think I went to bed before the ball dropped on most of them. Says a lot about our relationship huh. Hindsight is 20/20 but that is a whole other blog topic.
February - the month of love. No love for me.
March - Part 1 Boards followed by a Blackbelt (community eye care in middle-of-nowhere-Alabama) followed by a Neuro exam; all in one week!!!
April - Happy 26th Birthday... alone. Pretty sure I spent my birthday evening/weekend alone, or I had a test around that same time or something.
May - found out I failed Part 1 Boards. ugh! Watched my good friend get married. Started summer clinicals.
June - summer clinic, started off on the wrong foot with one of my professors - ended up being the one I feel most comfortable with and I feel like I grew as a clinician the most under her; the other was just a witch. The witch - doesn't realized that we are going to make mistakes and that it is better we do it now than when we get out into practice and truly made me feel like a glorified technician (not almost clinician) and that nothing I could do was right. Had witch again in the fall for 8 weeks - oh joy.
July - Happy Independence Day. Stayed home and watched fireworks out my window and on t.v. Couldn't find anyone to go out and watch them with me.
August - Part 1 Boards re-take, went to Savannah for two days - it was dreary and rainy and I couldn't enjoy being alone because I couldn't do much because I didn't have enough money to really do anything, but I needed a break. On the plus side that day I toured Savannah alone, I walked nearly 20,963 steps or the equivalent of 7.28 miles based on my stride length. I also moved into a new apartment with my newly married roommate and her hubby this month.
September - found out I failed Part 1 Boards... again. ARG! WTH is wrong with me? So embarrassed. Cannot believe myself. Cannot believe I'm writing this and letting the world know, but it doesn't make me any less of a clinician. I am still smart (working on that affirmation) and interact with my patients well. I know that I can take care of them in the best possible way. I just don't test well, especially when it carries such a large weight on your shoulders, and it's a two day/12 hour/4 session test.
October - went to Seattle for AAO meeting. Fun, but couldn't help feeling lonely in a crowd again. I was around people who I didn't really hang out with before hand, had my own things to do, and basically did meeting stuff and touristy stuff alone; which was ok. I got to spend a few hours on top of the space needle and went to the market, etc.
November - Thanksgiving with my mom and her roommate. Tried some new trimmings at the dinner table - they were good. Never had homemade cranberry sauce before. Yum.
December - last day of clinic at UABSO on the 13th. Took Part 2 and Part 3 Boards this month. Spent two full weeks on break with nothing to do. I could have been studying, but I think my brain and my mental status required two weeks of doing nothing related to eye balls. It was good to spend Christmas with my little brother and my mom, just the three of us. I rang in the new year with mom and her friends. I was on the border of hanging with them or not, I chose to go; it was just a chill night at someone's house, drinking wine, relaxing by the fire, and after the New Year we went to a dive bar for a little karaoke. If you ever feel down or hard on yourself, just go to a karaoke bar and you'll feel a lot better, #best #advice #ever.
I was going to say that 2014 can't be much worse, but it could. I can think of several things that could happen this upcoming year to make it all go down the hole, but I don't want to even think like that. I should be done thinking so pessimistically. I need to let 2013 and my past go, to let myself learn from it and to move forward. I can't let my failures keep affecting the way I see myself; if I view myself in such a light, I'm sure my colleagues are bound to start seeing me the same way.
So what do I have to look forward to in 2014?
January and February - 8 weeks rotation in Montgomery, AL. Get results of Part 2 and 3 Boards.
March and April - 8 weeks rotation in Savannah, GA. Repeat Part 1 Boards in March.
May - get results of Part 1 Boards. Graduation May 16th.
June, July, August, September, October, November, December - unwritten, but I'm sure they will be memorable as my first 7 months out of school and in the "real world".
2014, please don't let me down.
In order to not repeat your mistakes, you have to first confront them and realize where and what went wrong, right? This is just what I am preparing to do; I think I'll break the year down and note the big things that happened each month.
January - rang in the New Year with my mom's boyfriend's 17 year old daughter. Can't remember the last time I was excited for a New Year's Eve. 2006 don't remember, 2007 alone, 2008 w/Josh, 2009 w/Josh, 2010 w/Josh, 2011 alone, 2012 w/mom at Patty's, 2013 w/mom's boyfriend's daughter. The New Year's Eves with Josh were ok, I think I went to bed before the ball dropped on most of them. Says a lot about our relationship huh. Hindsight is 20/20 but that is a whole other blog topic.
February - the month of love. No love for me.
March - Part 1 Boards followed by a Blackbelt (community eye care in middle-of-nowhere-Alabama) followed by a Neuro exam; all in one week!!!
April - Happy 26th Birthday... alone. Pretty sure I spent my birthday evening/weekend alone, or I had a test around that same time or something.
May - found out I failed Part 1 Boards. ugh! Watched my good friend get married. Started summer clinicals.
June - summer clinic, started off on the wrong foot with one of my professors - ended up being the one I feel most comfortable with and I feel like I grew as a clinician the most under her; the other was just a witch. The witch - doesn't realized that we are going to make mistakes and that it is better we do it now than when we get out into practice and truly made me feel like a glorified technician (not almost clinician) and that nothing I could do was right. Had witch again in the fall for 8 weeks - oh joy.
July - Happy Independence Day. Stayed home and watched fireworks out my window and on t.v. Couldn't find anyone to go out and watch them with me.
August - Part 1 Boards re-take, went to Savannah for two days - it was dreary and rainy and I couldn't enjoy being alone because I couldn't do much because I didn't have enough money to really do anything, but I needed a break. On the plus side that day I toured Savannah alone, I walked nearly 20,963 steps or the equivalent of 7.28 miles based on my stride length. I also moved into a new apartment with my newly married roommate and her hubby this month.
September - found out I failed Part 1 Boards... again. ARG! WTH is wrong with me? So embarrassed. Cannot believe myself. Cannot believe I'm writing this and letting the world know, but it doesn't make me any less of a clinician. I am still smart (working on that affirmation) and interact with my patients well. I know that I can take care of them in the best possible way. I just don't test well, especially when it carries such a large weight on your shoulders, and it's a two day/12 hour/4 session test.
October - went to Seattle for AAO meeting. Fun, but couldn't help feeling lonely in a crowd again. I was around people who I didn't really hang out with before hand, had my own things to do, and basically did meeting stuff and touristy stuff alone; which was ok. I got to spend a few hours on top of the space needle and went to the market, etc.
November - Thanksgiving with my mom and her roommate. Tried some new trimmings at the dinner table - they were good. Never had homemade cranberry sauce before. Yum.
December - last day of clinic at UABSO on the 13th. Took Part 2 and Part 3 Boards this month. Spent two full weeks on break with nothing to do. I could have been studying, but I think my brain and my mental status required two weeks of doing nothing related to eye balls. It was good to spend Christmas with my little brother and my mom, just the three of us. I rang in the new year with mom and her friends. I was on the border of hanging with them or not, I chose to go; it was just a chill night at someone's house, drinking wine, relaxing by the fire, and after the New Year we went to a dive bar for a little karaoke. If you ever feel down or hard on yourself, just go to a karaoke bar and you'll feel a lot better, #best #advice #ever.
I was going to say that 2014 can't be much worse, but it could. I can think of several things that could happen this upcoming year to make it all go down the hole, but I don't want to even think like that. I should be done thinking so pessimistically. I need to let 2013 and my past go, to let myself learn from it and to move forward. I can't let my failures keep affecting the way I see myself; if I view myself in such a light, I'm sure my colleagues are bound to start seeing me the same way.
So what do I have to look forward to in 2014?
January and February - 8 weeks rotation in Montgomery, AL. Get results of Part 2 and 3 Boards.
March and April - 8 weeks rotation in Savannah, GA. Repeat Part 1 Boards in March.
May - get results of Part 1 Boards. Graduation May 16th.
June, July, August, September, October, November, December - unwritten, but I'm sure they will be memorable as my first 7 months out of school and in the "real world".
2014, please don't let me down.
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