I have made it home after taking the board for the fourth time. Yeah, as if that isn't depressing enough, I feel like crap about it. Every time I went to consult my notes for something I didn't see previously and was expecting on the next session, I would find something else that I messed up, another question where I had narrowed it down to two answers and chose the wrong one.
Each time I have studied more and more. Each time it has gotten harder and harder. Each time I have gotten more questions right. Each time the percentage to pass has been raised and raised. This time I feel worse, I feel more depressed and pathetic leaving it. I guess I'm not meant to be this person that I thought I was. I'm not meant to be a doctor. After 9 years of school and 200K in student debt, I have nothing to show for it all, other than a total of 60 pounds of weight since I started 9 years ago.
I feel like a failure. I fail at life. Everything I touch goes to pot. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I am is good enough. I'm mediocre at best. Even now I'm not even feeling mediocre. I'm a plane spiraling and falling, closer and closer to the ground. I see my life spinning faster and faster out of control. I keep crashing. Just once I want to be able to get control and not crash. This is probably going to end up another big mess for me to clean up, and this time I'm not sure I want to rebuild the plane and get back up in the sky.
I'm sure I did better than I'm expecting, yet I'm not expecting to pass. And that sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't pass. I feel like my life is on standby; like someone has said this movie is boring and pressed pause to get a snack. I keep drifting further and further out in space. I can look for jobs, but I can't take any of them until I know that I passed the board because I can't practice without passing. It would suck worse to get into negotiations with someone only to have to tell them no because I'll have to take it again in March (half a year away). So for the next 50 days, I will end up bumming around the house, feeling depressed, and just wait.
It's like the crosswalk. The ones that talk and tell you when you can walk and when you have to wait. My life crosswalk is saying Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm trying to get from point a to point b. Point b is several blocks down and one across. So while I'm waiting I'll just walk down the blocks until I get to one that I can cross at. Now I'm at the last place to cross, I can't walk down further because it's a dead end and I can't cross because I have a red light. So I just sit at the coffee shop on the corner and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
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