I had an original intention for this post last night but it may transform as I start to type and the fact that I am less irritable than I was last night.
A friend of my posted an article to Facebook entitled "17 Problems All Naturally Skinny People Will Understand". My gut reaction was an initially anger. How is ok to be "naturally skinny" but it's not ok to be "naturally fat". I wasn't going to click on the link because I was, quite frankly, offended. Then I decided that I would read it and see what they have to say. As I read it I would change one word to the opposite and made a case that you could simply change all the "skinnies" to "fatties" and "eat more's" to "eat less", and that I was going to comment to my friend about the fact that it's a double edged sword, but I decided in my irritable state it was probably not the smartest thing to do as I didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama, especially on Facebook on a Sunday night, just not gonna happen.
So then I decided that I was going to write a post about all the points they made and switch the words around and make it for "fatties" like me. That was the intention for this post, but as I started to type I realize that if I do that, then I am stooping to a lower level and it is not in my nature to belittle people or to make fun of their body or to make them feel less then they are whether they be "fat" or "skinny". I think everyone is beautiful in their own right.
I believe that we all have to love and accept our bodies for what they are and what they do for us every day. I tend to dislike words like skinny and fat and curvy and thin because they are not forgiving words; they all have a negative connotation that society has created for us. That being said: you can be skinny and healthy, you can be fat and healthy, you can be curvy and unhealthy, you can be thin and unhealthy, you can be anything and everything in between. I wish that I could look in the mirror and love what I look like, but society has conditioned my brain so that I see a whale of a person in the mirror and can't imagine that anyone would find me beautiful because I am overweight. I am not trying to say it's ok to fat or skinny that is not what this post is trying to say, in fact, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say at this moment. It is almost 1 am.... I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning what I find attractive in myself, be it physical or not.
I'm currently living with my mother, for a multitude of reasons, some of which I am ashamed of and others which I am not, but that is a subject for another post. I mention it because she came home and said "I want us to do the total body cardio workout tonight." I'll admit to having more than my share of pizza today for lunch and I just wanted to veg and wasn't motivated to do much of anything. I was in a self-loathing, wallowing state of acceptance that I am overweight and that I have tried in the past and haven't seen results, so what's the point. I think I changed my mind because I wanted her to workout, I wanted her to feel better in her body, I knew that if she just exercised and ate a bit better, she would get to the body she wanted (based on prior experience, I know that she can lose the weight as she has done it before though not in the healthiest way, but again neither her nor there). So I put on my workout clothes and we did the total body cardio fix workout. It's only 30 minutes and though I didn't push myself to the extreme, it was a lot more than I'm used to. I mean I stick to something for about a week and when I don't see any positive changes, I tend to give up. Something that the chick said stuck with me a bit. "Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever". I am a quitter.
About two years ago I did a biggest loser challenge at my school. I tracked my calories and I exercised and I thought I was following the rules. I could have eaten better foods, but I was always in my calorie limit. For two months I did this and I lost no more than 3 or 4 pounds I think. Looking back that was about .5 lbs per week, which isn't that bad, but I was comparing myself to others in the competition that lost 15 or more pounds. Why wasn't I getting those results, I was following the rules, etc... It all went to my head and I decided that it wasn't worth it. I was going to eat what and when I wanted and I would exercise if I felt like it, but I wasn't going to kill myself trying to achieve something that wasn't going to happen for me.
I decided to "live my life" and to try to ignore the mirror. I avoided shopping if I didn't absolutely need an article of clothing because I didn't want to look at the numbers, it was depressing. I was "living my life" but not truly "living". I'm still not. I hole myself up in my home, partly because I don't actually have an income to do anything and partly because I don't want people to have to look at me. I still think that I look like a blemish on an otherwise beautiful world. I still think that I don't deserve to have friends or a boyfriend because I'm too large to be attractive to people and for them to want to be seen with me. If my mom and her boyfriend didn't drag me out of the house on weekends, I might otherwise not see the sun. I have sunk to a new low. I am a hermit. I am young and free, yet I don't want to go out into the world. I love to laugh and dance and sing, but in the comfort of my own home because I have been conditioned to feel that because I am overweight I'm not allowed to enjoy life, that I need to focus on lowering my weight to be "healthy". Blah blah blah. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I'm tired of my weight being the deciding factor of my happiness.
Ok sorry for the ramble. I'm not even going to go back and edit this. I just want it to feel like the natural stream of my thoughts. Welcome to my head. Sorry if there's any confusion. I'm a walking contradiction. Good night.
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