The Past

Sometime I fear that I live too much in the past. I remember the girl I used to be and wish that I could be as outgoing and energetic as I once was. But, I'm not that girl anymore. I am just me, but I don't know how to describe myself. I am just trying to make it through each day as it comes. I dread the future. I don't like to imagine what the future holds for me, mostly because I can't imagine it being happy, when I do imagine it, I see debt, tears, sadness, etc... Just when I start to feel like my life is turning around, when I stop remembering the people that I used to love or spend time with I just sadder, or those people show up at random again.

I don't know what I'm saying any more. I just know that an ex just added me to a google+ circle, no message or anything, but it's still weird right? I mean come on, what does this guy want from me. I gave him three and half years of my life, I spent my early twenties almost exclusively with this guy instead of forging relationships with others, instead of solidifying friendships to last me into adulthood. I don't blame him, I blame myself. Then when I moved, he decided not to come with me and left me broken hearted in a new place all alone. I am no longer broken hearted and I no longer love him, I'm not really sure I ever truly loved him - there was always a seed of doubt about that when I read back to some diary entries I wrote. I was happy that someone was paying me attention I think. Regardless, I was heart broken, so I guess I did love him in some way but not the way you are meant to love a soulmate. Then about a year ago, he popped back into my life and in a moment of loneliness, I let him in. We had a night of chatting about things I'd rather not mention here, but I'm not proud of what I did or said that night. Needless to say, he disappeared after that. I'm trying hard to not give too many details, like I said I'm not proud. I guess I had just wanted the closure that I never got after the break-up. I still haven't received the answers that I wanted. So this addition to a circle could very well be something very innocent and mean nothing at all, but I seem to find meaning in every single particle of dust. Some people are meant to come into your life and teach you a lesson, some people stay and many fade out of your life as quickly as they entered it. Some people just stay in that gray area. I remain friends with a couple of guys that I have fancied in the past, but we aren't much more than acquaintances now. This particular guy, I'm not sure I want to have in my life at all; he played his part and now it's time for his name to roll on with the credits, not keep popping up like that oh so frustrating game that you knock the hedgehogs on the the head (you know the arcade game I'm talking of). So many metaphors tonight. It must be my imagination getting the better of me about everything this evening.

I've been so focused on getting through school the last four years. Oh god, it has been four years, yikes! Anyway I've been so focused on getting through school that I haven't given myself the opportunity to have any kind of relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I have had my crushes but it has never come to any kind of fruition. I'm not even sure that I want to let anyone into my life. I have grown accustomed to being alone and building a life for myself that I don't know that I want to let someone be a part of it. Am I being jaded, do I think that I can't trust anyone again, that I can't love anyone again, maybe I just don't think anyone could love me. I'm afraid of repeating the past, I'm afraid of repeating other's mistakes, I'm afraid of not loving the man I marry, I'm afraid of not ever getting married, I'm terrified of the future and what it holds for me. I'm just scared and that makes me depressed. I suppose I should see someone, but what's the point. They can't tell me anything I don't know. They would be an open ear for me to talk to but that's what I'm doing here on this blog, isn't it. Rambling on and on about my life for no one who even cares or even wants to know. This is probably more than you ever wanted to know about me and my life, but maybe someone will stumble across this and realize that they aren't alone. Maybe someone out there is feeling the exact same way I am feeling at this moment and thinking they are alone. There are billions of people out there, we are just a grain of sand on this enormous beach of life trying not to get washed away by the waves.

I guess I'll stop my rambling for tonight and get some rest.