The Grass is Enviable on the Other Side

I had an original intention for this post last night but it may transform as I start to type and the fact that I am less irritable than I was last night.

A friend of my posted an article to Facebook entitled "17 Problems All Naturally Skinny People Will Understand". My gut reaction was an initially anger. How is ok to be "naturally skinny" but it's not ok to be "naturally fat". I wasn't going to click on the link because I was, quite frankly, offended. Then I decided that I would read it and see what they have to say. As I read it I would change one word to the opposite and made a case that you could simply change all the "skinnies" to "fatties" and "eat more's" to "eat less", and that I was going to comment to my friend about the fact that it's a double edged sword, but I decided in my irritable state it was probably not the smartest thing to do as I didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama, especially on Facebook on a Sunday night, just not gonna happen.

So then I decided that I was going to write a post about all the points they made and switch the words around and make it for "fatties" like me. That was the intention for this post, but as I started to type I realize that if I do that, then I am stooping to a lower level and it is not in my nature to belittle people or to make fun of their body or to make them feel less then they are whether they be "fat" or "skinny". I think everyone is beautiful in their own right.

I believe that we all have to love and accept our bodies for what they are and what they do for us every day. I tend to dislike words like skinny and fat and curvy and thin because they are not forgiving words; they all have a negative connotation that society has created for us. That being said: you can be skinny and healthy, you can be fat and healthy, you can be curvy and unhealthy, you can be thin and unhealthy, you can be anything and everything in between. I wish that I could look in the mirror and love what I look like, but society has conditioned my brain so that I see a whale of a person in the mirror and can't imagine that anyone would find me beautiful because I am overweight. I am not trying to say it's ok to fat or skinny that is not what this post is trying to say, in fact, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say at this moment. It is almost 1 am.... I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning what I find attractive in myself, be it physical or not.

I'm currently living with my mother, for a multitude of reasons, some of which I am ashamed of and others which I am not, but that is a subject for another post. I mention it because she came home and said "I want us to do the total body cardio workout tonight." I'll admit to having more than my share of pizza today for lunch and I just wanted to veg and wasn't motivated to do much of anything. I was in a self-loathing, wallowing state of acceptance that I am overweight and that I have tried in the past and haven't seen results, so what's the point. I think I changed my mind because I wanted her to workout, I wanted her to feel better in her body, I knew that if she just exercised and ate a bit better, she would get to the body she wanted (based on prior experience, I know that she can lose the weight as she has done it before though not in the healthiest way, but again neither her nor there). So I put on my workout clothes and we did the total body cardio fix workout. It's only 30 minutes and though I didn't push myself to the extreme, it was a lot more than I'm used to. I mean I stick to something for about a week and when I don't see any positive changes, I tend to give up. Something that the chick said stuck with me a bit. "Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever". I am a quitter.

About two years ago I did a biggest loser challenge at my school. I tracked my calories and I exercised and I thought I was following the rules. I could have eaten better foods, but I was always in my calorie limit. For two months I did this and I lost no more than 3 or 4 pounds I think. Looking back that was about .5 lbs per week, which isn't that bad, but I was comparing myself to others in the competition that lost 15 or more pounds. Why wasn't I getting those results, I was following the rules, etc... It all went to my head and I decided that it wasn't worth it. I was going to eat what and when I wanted and I would exercise if I felt like it, but I wasn't going to kill myself trying to achieve something that wasn't going to happen for me.

I decided to "live my life" and to try to ignore the mirror. I avoided shopping if I didn't absolutely need an article of clothing because I didn't want to look at the numbers, it was depressing. I was "living my life" but not truly "living". I'm still not. I hole myself up in my home, partly because I don't actually have an income to do anything and partly because I don't want people to have to look at me. I still think that I look like a blemish on an otherwise beautiful world. I still think that I don't deserve to have friends or a boyfriend because I'm too large to be attractive to people and for them to want to be seen with me. If my mom and her boyfriend didn't drag me out of the house on weekends, I might otherwise not see the sun. I have sunk to a new low. I am a hermit. I am young and free, yet I don't want to go out into the world. I love to laugh and dance and sing, but in the comfort of my own home because I have been conditioned to feel that because I am overweight I'm not allowed to enjoy life, that I need to focus on lowering my weight to be "healthy". Blah blah blah. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I'm tired of my weight being the deciding factor of my happiness.

Ok sorry for the ramble. I'm not even going to go back and edit this. I just want it to feel like the natural stream of my thoughts. Welcome to my head. Sorry if there's any confusion. I'm a walking contradiction. Good night.

You can do anything for 21 days: Day 2

Mom and I started the 21 day fix yesterday. Today is Day 2. I had intended to post before pics and measurements on Sunday night, but had a temper tantrum instead. Then I intended to do this post last night, but I distracted myself with Netflix and was determined to post this morning. When do I end up writing about this? At almost 10pm on the second day. Better late than never though right.

Before I do, I'll share some of my thoughts from the last two days.
- This is a ton of food. How can I eat all this?
- Also I'm hungry (at 11pm - I should be sleeping)
- I want chocolate!
- I'm so sore! (This has been said or thought at least 20 times today, and that was just after one workout, I hadn't even completed today's workout until 2pm; and was mostly said when I sat down or bent to pick something up. But that means that it's working my out right.)

I had more to say, but I think I just want to get the basics out of the way and go more in depth later.

Starting measurements
Weight: 243.7 (Zoinks!!! Can't believe it. So embarrassed and humiliated right now)
Chest: 43''
R Arm: 15"
L Arm: 14"
Waist: 39"
Hips: 52.5"
R Thigh: 29"
L Thigh: 28"
Total: 220.5"

Before pics: Yikes. I can't believe I'm actually going to post these, but I am. I have done this to myself and I need to keep the motivation up. Hopefully I can provide some sort of inspiration for other.

 
 

The lazy life of me and a couple beach pics

It's time for another post. I haven't done much in the past month. Wow, over a month has gone by, and I have nothing to show for it. I have done some things around the house that mom wanted done: drained and cleaned and refilled the hot tub, cleaned the bar area and drawers in the kitchen, laundry, clean bathrooms. But that's pretty much it.

I have things that I need to be doing. For example, I need to take a CPR certification class. I've been putting it off and putting it off, I need to go ahead and pay for it and go in and get my card. Then when that is done, I need to print out my applications for state licensure. I think I keep putting these things off because I am so terrified to get my board scores back. I literally have small panic attacks when I start to think about it and get freaked out, so I change my thought process almost immediately. This makes it difficult to focus on anything optometry related. I just can't deal. I just can't. I have less than two weeks now. I may be freaking out a little more now that one of my friends did not pass their state boards. Sucks for this person and I truly feel for them, but I'm quite a bit farther behind. Life on standby remember. Anywho...

Well, I haven't been totally cooped up in my house for the last month. I have had weekend trips to Pensacola and Gulf Shores. The Pensacola trip was to go tubing with some friends and then we explored the fort, but we got too much sun tubing that we didn't spend any time on the beach. Not a big problem because I'm fat and don't like to expose my body to the ridicule of the other people on the beach too much. Then we went to Gulf Shores to explore for some potential real estate to rent out (well my mom's bf was looking for real estate to invest it to rent out) I was just there for the ride. It was nice because we went after school started and the season was pretty much over - so there weren't that many people on the beach. It was nice to squish my toes in the sand and play in the water a little bit, even if the waves were pretty rough over the weekend. I got two amazing pictures at the beach. If I say so myself, they are pretty amazing. I think I'll share them here.

beach stairs

boardwalk

I think I may have missed my calling as a photographer. I do love my crafts and try to be creative. I need to blog more when I do cool things like that. I did my mom's finger nails the other week and got creative with the design. I should have taken a couple of pics and posted them here. I also made banana bread the other day, I should have taken pics and walked you through my baking. But... I do have a dozen apples to do something with and have decided to bake something tomorrow. It may be apple bread, it may be apple cake, it may be apple pie, I have no clue yet, but I will keep you updated with it. 

Also, mom just bought a knit pattern book. She wants me to make her a shawl. Looks like I'll have to make a trip to JoAnn's for some Patons lace soon. Just another one of the projects I want to do. Don't know why I don't do them during the day. I get caught up in sleeping, watching tv, and browsing the web. 

Have a beautiful evening. Sweet dreams.

When one door closes, somewhere a window opens.

Another depressing entry...

I have made it home after taking the board for the fourth time. Yeah, as if that isn't depressing enough, I feel like crap about it. Every time I went to consult my notes for something I didn't see previously and was expecting on the next session, I would find something else that I messed up, another question where I had narrowed it down to two answers and chose the wrong one.

Each time I have studied more and more. Each time it has gotten harder and harder. Each time I have gotten more questions right. Each time the percentage to pass has been raised and raised. This time I feel worse, I feel more depressed and pathetic leaving it. I guess I'm not meant to be this person that I thought I was. I'm not meant to be a doctor. After 9 years of school and 200K in student debt, I have nothing to show for it all, other than a total of 60 pounds of weight since I started 9 years ago.

I feel like a failure. I fail at life. Everything I touch goes to pot. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I am is good enough. I'm mediocre at best. Even now I'm not even feeling mediocre. I'm a plane spiraling and falling, closer and closer to the ground. I see my life spinning faster and faster out of control. I keep crashing. Just once I want to be able to get control and not crash. This is probably going to end up another big mess for me to clean up, and this time I'm not sure I want to rebuild the plane and get back up in the sky.

I'm sure I did better than I'm expecting, yet I'm not expecting to pass. And that sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't pass. I feel like my life is on standby; like someone has said this movie is boring and pressed pause to get a snack. I keep drifting further and further out in space. I can look for jobs, but I can't take any of them until I know that I passed the board because I can't practice without passing. It would suck worse to get into negotiations with someone only to have to tell them no because I'll have to take it again in March (half a year away). So for the next 50 days, I will end up bumming around the house, feeling depressed, and just wait.

It's like the crosswalk. The ones that talk and tell you when you can walk and when you have to wait. My life crosswalk is saying Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm trying to get from point a to point b. Point b is several blocks down and one across. So while I'm waiting I'll just walk down the blocks until I get to one that I can cross at. Now I'm at the last place to cross, I can't walk down further because it's a dead end and I can't cross because I have a red light. So I just sit at the coffee shop on the corner and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

It's been too long, time to check in

I haven't been focusing on much of anything regarding my health or weight recently. In May I found out that I didn't pass my board again and I will be retaking it the first week of August.

This past week, I have been getting up the elliptical and walking and even started a squat challenge on facebook. These have all provided me with a built in study break during the day. I have also decided to honestly and reliably record my food and calories. 

I have been doing a lot of moving the past 6 months as well, as I was moving between locations for my externships and finally the big move back home at 27 with 1.5 degrees to my name. (For the record I "graduated" in May - at least I walked in the graduation ceremony, but I won't get my diploma and transcript until I pass this board). So call me Doc if you want, but I won't feel right about it until I get that diploma.

Anyway back to the point. I have a fitbit tracker and aria scale. I haven't been using the scale because I haven't had my own internet set up for a while. I dug it out of storage and set it up with my mom's network and stepped on the scale.

What?! 11 pound increase since I last checked in 1.5 months ago. I moved home one month ago. I know that it's because I've been so sedentary. Being home, the only thing I have had to do is study for the board, so I hadn't been doing much of anything during the day. I can't believe I've been home for one month. Yikes! Has it really been that long.

Needless to say, I am not a happy camper. This explains why my jeans are feeling especially tight. I am only comfortable in pjs and my yoga pants and workout shorts. This news confirms my worst fear and why I have been avoiding actually going out in public, when mom and her new boyfriend have been wanting me to go out with them on the weekend.

Well, I think that's about all for tonight. Time to get back to my studying. 12 days to go. 

You can follow my journey on MyFitnessPal at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/user/shu10str/status or on FitBit at https://www.fitbit.com/user/23CM4T

It's not easy being green... with envy

Green. It's my favorite color. It just so happens that it is also the color of envy.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is green where you water it. My grass is looking pretty brown right about now. I am the victim of the green-eyed monster. Have you had enough of the idioms? I'm sure you'll get more.

Envy: when you want something that others have. I realize that I could do something to stop feeling this way but it's hard. It's hard when people look right through you.

I wish I was so many things. I wish to be pretty, smart, fun, witty. Right about now I feel none of those things. I feel ugly (I have pretty hair - that's pretty much the only compliment I get on my appearance ever - even when I try a new outfit or something; I realize that I don't have a good body but it would be nice to be complimented on something other than my curls, I feel like that is my only defining feature). I feel stupid - yes, I just 'graduated' from optometry school, but yep you guessed it, I'm having to take a particular test again. Why is this happening to me again. WHY?! I don't understand why I have to keep being knocked down, I'm already in the mud, I don't need my face rubbed in it. On the other hand, it could be construed as a blessing, that there is a reason for this, that I am strong enough to handle it. I should be thinking of it like that; my motto has always been that everything happens for a reason, so why should this be any different. When one door closes, another opens. I can't see what is in store for me, or why I'm having to go through this again, but I suppose that there is a reason. I am not fun. Case in point: my mom and dad and I went out to celebrate after my graduation and I had no idea where to go, no idea of what bars to go to. Why? Because I didn't go out with people during school. Why? Because I was overlooked. I would go out once and then ask them to text me when they go out again or whatever, but I never got any texts. When classmates bands played, I went by myself, not knowing that others got together before hand. Why? Because I'm invisible, people look right by me. I learned early to do things on my own many years ago. I like being on my own, but I like doing things with people too. I've never understood why people never invite me to do anything; I've almost always said yes or I'm available when things come up... The only things I can think of is that I'm not pretty or stylish enough and people are ashamed to be seen with me or that I'm just not fun enough. It takes time for me to feel comfortable around people and let myself be silly around them. It takes too much effort for other people to get to know me. I've always been the outcast, the loner, it's been easier somehow despite how much it hurts.

I don't know how to interact with people. I don't have stories, I don't have life experience because I haven't had friends to do things with. I remember being such an active and talkative child, where did it change, when did it go wrong? High school. Freshman year I was in Virginia. I wasn't popular by any means, but I have a few friends and I was happy with that. I even had a boyfriend for a few weeks. My self esteem took a hit that year though by being called thunder thighs when I was being fit for a dance costume. I was coming to terms with myself and then I was uprooted to Georgia the summer between freshman and sophomore year. I was so depressed. I found dance and a few friends (none of which would stick) and made it through but not without the thoughts that no one would notice if I wasn't there. I was not asked to a single homecoming or prom, even by friends. I went to my senior prom alone, after a dance competition, on my 18th birthday. I was a goody two shoes, and mediocre at everything I did - still am. I don't have anything particular to say about college or optometry school mostly because I don't want to go into any of it. The point is that I haven't been living, I've just been existing, even now. I just spent three days in my apartment, the only interaction I had with another person (outside of the internet) was Saturday when I went out for food. Why? Because I don't like me. I hate the way I look and feel like people are judging me by what I'm wearing, how it doesn't flatter my fat body, that I'm trying too hard, and then feeling sorry for me because I'm all alone and fat.  Am I just projecting what I'm feeling and seeing in the mirror? Probably, but who's to say that it's not what they are thinking anyway.

It all boils down to the fact that I hate myself. Mostly I hate the way I look. I could change if I wanted to. I could, but it's just easier to hide from the world in my apartment and more comfortable to sit around in sweats and t-shirts because they don't make me feel fat. It's so much easier to hide than to feel judged out in the world. It's easier to hide than to admit that you failed Part 1 so many times, that you almost feel like you should just give up. It's easier to sleep all day than to face the world.

I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either
          -Feel by Robbie Williams

Insomnia and tangent thinking

The cure for insomnia... first post an ambiguous post on social media, write about it in your journal, and of course blog about it...

As I start this I can feel my eyelids getting heavier, but if I try to lay down and sleep, my mind will start racing again and keeping me up with questions about the future or even the present.

Where do I begin? Um how about state licensure. I have to take a law exam, 90 minutes - 60 questions, not bad, but I can't take it until the state says I'm eligible. I'm not eligible until I finish the application, but I can't finish the application until I get them a few things. First I have to get them a copy of my transcript, but that of course won't be ready for several weeks, about 25-30 days from now, so no go there. Second they need my scores for boards - which is a whole other pressing matter on my shoulders. I'm waiting for my Part 1 and Part 3 scores, which I'll get the first full week in May, about 20 days from now. I guess there's no point in stressing over this since I can't really control any of that at this point. It's a waiting game, but it is seriously stressing me out, mostly because I am terrified that I didn't pass Part 1 this time around, like way freaked out about this. I probably need to see a therapist and get on some meds or something because I'm really starting to have panic attacks and am getting really anxious every time I think about it. If I don't pass, then I can't get licensed, then I can't practice. Ahhh!!!! Ok that is the big thing.

The other major thing that is keeping me awake is the job thing. I met with a doc in a town across the state, and the more time passes the more I realize that that particular practice is not where I want to be: it's small, I feel like I don't have space, I'm not sure that I would learn what I need to about practice (insurance, business management, etc), doesn't have the equipment that I would like direct access to to practice at the level I'm used to. So yeah I guess that is out, but the salary was amazing, really good for a new OD but I don't think it would prepare me for the future. The place I'm doing my internship right now is a practice that I had teched at while in undergrad and I am very comfortable there and know the doc really well, the doc and I work well together and she can provide me with a ton of knowledge on insurance, billing, business management, etc. Thing is she wants to bring me on as an independent contractor. That means that I'd have to put money aside to pay for taxes, not a problem I'm sure, but it also means that I won't be making a ton of money, I think it would be enough to live comfortably on while still being able to pay off loans and everything. It's going to take a lot of legwork, especially initially, on my part. I need to figure out how to get started. I'm going to have to get my own malpractice, personal insurance, do I have to be a s-corp or LLC, hire a CPA. All this requires money and I don't have any of that... Seriously, how am I supposed to pay for all this? That's my big concern here. I think this might be the best thing for me, at least to start out. I want/need to know the business aspect and the best way is to do it, I feel comfortable asking and learning from this doc. My parents aren't going to like it. I have to make the decision that I feel is the best for me. Follow for future posts on how I make out..

I'm single. I have no responsibilities to anyone but myself. I have no one to help me. I have no one to answer to. I have no one else's life to consider, which is good for me I guess. I'm not ready to settle down, I don't want to have take someone else into consideration, but I'm also a bit lonely. I don't have that other person to lean on. I am completely dependent on myself, which means I have to figure out how to live on my own money and don't have extra income, ya know what I'm getting at here. I can't believe that I'm almost 27 and still single, my life definitely isn't how I pictured it being at this point. But I've still got like 60 years or so of life left to live, so I've got time.

I just see guys I've been interested in and they are with other girls, and I can't help but feel a little jealous. I feel sometimes like what is wrong with me? Why don't guys want me? And I answer that with: I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough. I'm too depressed, I don't have a life, I don't know how to meet people, and the people that I do know seem to always forget me and overlook me. I don't know how many people in this world really consider me a friend. I can count them on one finger, outside of family. There is only one person that I feel like I could call at almost any time, but she has her husband and probably has several best friends. I don't have any.

Do you see how one little thought in my mind travels and transverses several subjects and makes me more depressed and more stressed. Sorry, probably more info that you would ever want to know about me, but oh well. Sending this out into the cosmos... Well wishes appreciated. I'm sure it will all work out well and how it is supposed to.