So back in September we started the 21 day fix. We got about 1.5 weeks in before neither of us were able to motivate each other any more. It was hard with the holiday season approaching and swim suit season over. So we stopped. Mom started her journey over at the beginning of the year (Jan) by doing P90X with her boyfriend and few coworkers at her work's gym. I started my journey again about March. I didn't take measurements again, I just starting doing the 21 day fix workouts and using myfitnesspal to log my calories. I did this for two weeks and then Aunt Flo came to town and that third week I was so tired (if you're a woman, you know exactly what I mean) so I decided to take that week off and start up fresh the following Monday. Guess what? I didn't start fresh again. I was still logging my food on myfitnesspal and my order of shakeology had come in the mail so I was doing that for one meal a day.
Fast forward to the end of April and I'm still not following a routine. My two weeks of working out was in the mornings before work. The nice thing about my job is that my day doesn't start until 10am, but it lasts until 7pm. It was going great, I was feeling more energized but I'm finding it hard to get up in the mornings again after that one week of taking off. Which brings me to today. I woke up at 7am, I got up and ate my breakfast and about 740 I'm getting my shoes and heart rate monitor on and pushing play on my total body cardio fix workout. I'm not 2 minutes into the WARM UP and I've yawned 5 times!!!! I know what is coming up after the warm up... surrenders! And I'm thinking to myself, I can do this but maybe not right now. If I do it right now, sure I'll make it through but I'm definitely not going to push myself enough to feel any sort of benefit and I'd take lots of breaks. I know but I have tried before and I have ended up sitting on the floor watching the dvd instead of doing it. Because I know myself like this, I stopped the dvd and came upstairs to write this blog. I plan on getting in today's workout tonight when I get home and I'm going to get up in the morning and do tomorrows before work. I can do this, but right this second I'm too tired. I have always done my best at the end of the day. I hate getting up early - I don't know if my brain just isn't awake or what but I hate working out in the morning but if I don't I'd make excuses to not fit it in in the evenings.
Anyway, Mom wanted to take measurements back at the beginning of the month and I never got around to posting them. Here we go:
Starting 9-23-14 As of 4-9-15
Weight: 243.7 233.0
Chest: 43 44
R Arm: 15 15
L Arm: 14 15
Waist: 39 37.5
Hips: 52.5 51
R Thigh: 29 29
L Thigh: 28 29
I weighed in this morning at 230.2 lbs. I am slowly getting there. By adjusting a few things at a time, I'm working on it. I'm making a lifestyle and change and it's hard to change certain habits we are get into, and I'm going to fall off the wagon, the important thing is that I acknowledge what I'm doing wrong and what I'm doing right and adjust from there. My ultimate goal is to get to 170 lbs, but my short term goal for the end of summer is 220. I have 10 pounds and I'm giving myself a goal of getting it done by July 31. If I get there early, then I'll make it another 10 pounds in ten weeks. Short term goals work better for me.
Mom's measurements so that I don't lose them again (cause I lost her September measurements... whoops)
Weight 214.2
Chest 43
R arm 14.5
L arm 15
Waist 36
Hips 48
R thigh 27.5
L thigh 27.5
Have a great day.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015
What a year...
I checked my timehop app today and for the last two years I've been ready for the year to end and hoping for better things in the year to come. Bye 2012, 2013 is my year! Bye 2013, 2014 is my year! Now I guess it's time for bye 2014, 2015 will be my year!
Let's look back on 2014.
I started the year with my first extern rotation away from the school. I moved to Montgomery, AL to work at the VA. I did a two month rotation where I ended up not doing much of anything, no friends to hang out with and nothing to do. We felt some of the winter storm that created a disaster in Birmingham and Atlanta. I was safe in my room at the VA hospital. I enjoyed my rotation there. Met some cool veterans and gained confidence in my ability to be a great doctor.
In March I moved to Savannah, GA. I finished up my second extern rotation and my last semester of optometry school at a private practice that I had worked at during undergrad. During my time there, I traveled to Memphis to retake Part 1 boards (again), found I passed Part 3 boards, and found out that I failed Part 1 boards (again)! I made some new friends in the other externs I worked with there. Explored Savannah, there's always something new to experience there. Had an amazing evening out with a tandem bike pub crawl, karaoke, and bad decisions.
In May I walked in my graduation from optometry school. Got to spend time with my mom and my dad. I hope I make them proud. At the end of the month, I was unable to get out my lease at my apartment in Savannah and ended up staying another month. Because I had failed Part 1 boards, I was unable to apply for my state license to practice optometry, but luckily the doctor I worked for allowed me to continue to work for her as a glorified tech (I did everything like I would as a doctor, but she followed up behind and saw every pt). We agreed to part ways even though we had talked about me staying on as an associate. I needed to move back home and focus on studying for the board that I would take again in August.
So the end of June came around and I moved home to Atlanta. July came and I studied. August came and I took the boards again and went to Pensacola. September came and we went to Gulf Shores while I was waiting; the end of September came and I found out that I passed the boards!!! Glory hallelujah! October found me applying for my state license and getting my CPR certification. November saw me sending out my resume for jobs in the area and getting an interview with a practice. December saw me finally receiving my state license (fully fledged doctor!) and starting a new job.
It was a roller coaster year; emotions went up and went down and up and down and spun around. I guess I can't complain too much. I finished school, am licensed in my field of study, and got a job that I enjoy.
What can I hope for in 2015? I can hope that I save enough money to buy myself a new car. That I can make enough money to start paying back my loans. I would love to buy a kayak and do some camping now that I am bringing in money and not just spending it and now that I have the time to invest in activities rather than studying. I would like to find a person that I enjoy spending time with and that can love me for me. I would like to move into my own place and stop depending on my parents (my dad can now stop sending me money, but I am living with my mom now). I would like to be independent. I'll be 28 this year and would like to know that I can stand on my own two feet.
Here's to hoping that 2015 will at least not be a bad year.
I checked my timehop app today and for the last two years I've been ready for the year to end and hoping for better things in the year to come. Bye 2012, 2013 is my year! Bye 2013, 2014 is my year! Now I guess it's time for bye 2014, 2015 will be my year!
Let's look back on 2014.
I started the year with my first extern rotation away from the school. I moved to Montgomery, AL to work at the VA. I did a two month rotation where I ended up not doing much of anything, no friends to hang out with and nothing to do. We felt some of the winter storm that created a disaster in Birmingham and Atlanta. I was safe in my room at the VA hospital. I enjoyed my rotation there. Met some cool veterans and gained confidence in my ability to be a great doctor.
In March I moved to Savannah, GA. I finished up my second extern rotation and my last semester of optometry school at a private practice that I had worked at during undergrad. During my time there, I traveled to Memphis to retake Part 1 boards (again), found I passed Part 3 boards, and found out that I failed Part 1 boards (again)! I made some new friends in the other externs I worked with there. Explored Savannah, there's always something new to experience there. Had an amazing evening out with a tandem bike pub crawl, karaoke, and bad decisions.
In May I walked in my graduation from optometry school. Got to spend time with my mom and my dad. I hope I make them proud. At the end of the month, I was unable to get out my lease at my apartment in Savannah and ended up staying another month. Because I had failed Part 1 boards, I was unable to apply for my state license to practice optometry, but luckily the doctor I worked for allowed me to continue to work for her as a glorified tech (I did everything like I would as a doctor, but she followed up behind and saw every pt). We agreed to part ways even though we had talked about me staying on as an associate. I needed to move back home and focus on studying for the board that I would take again in August.
So the end of June came around and I moved home to Atlanta. July came and I studied. August came and I took the boards again and went to Pensacola. September came and we went to Gulf Shores while I was waiting; the end of September came and I found out that I passed the boards!!! Glory hallelujah! October found me applying for my state license and getting my CPR certification. November saw me sending out my resume for jobs in the area and getting an interview with a practice. December saw me finally receiving my state license (fully fledged doctor!) and starting a new job.
It was a roller coaster year; emotions went up and went down and up and down and spun around. I guess I can't complain too much. I finished school, am licensed in my field of study, and got a job that I enjoy.
What can I hope for in 2015? I can hope that I save enough money to buy myself a new car. That I can make enough money to start paying back my loans. I would love to buy a kayak and do some camping now that I am bringing in money and not just spending it and now that I have the time to invest in activities rather than studying. I would like to find a person that I enjoy spending time with and that can love me for me. I would like to move into my own place and stop depending on my parents (my dad can now stop sending me money, but I am living with my mom now). I would like to be independent. I'll be 28 this year and would like to know that I can stand on my own two feet.
Here's to hoping that 2015 will at least not be a bad year.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
The Grass is Enviable on the Other Side
I had an original intention for this post last night but it may transform as I start to type and the fact that I am less irritable than I was last night.
A friend of my posted an article to Facebook entitled "17 Problems All Naturally Skinny People Will Understand". My gut reaction was an initially anger. How is ok to be "naturally skinny" but it's not ok to be "naturally fat". I wasn't going to click on the link because I was, quite frankly, offended. Then I decided that I would read it and see what they have to say. As I read it I would change one word to the opposite and made a case that you could simply change all the "skinnies" to "fatties" and "eat more's" to "eat less", and that I was going to comment to my friend about the fact that it's a double edged sword, but I decided in my irritable state it was probably not the smartest thing to do as I didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama, especially on Facebook on a Sunday night, just not gonna happen.
So then I decided that I was going to write a post about all the points they made and switch the words around and make it for "fatties" like me. That was the intention for this post, but as I started to type I realize that if I do that, then I am stooping to a lower level and it is not in my nature to belittle people or to make fun of their body or to make them feel less then they are whether they be "fat" or "skinny". I think everyone is beautiful in their own right.
I believe that we all have to love and accept our bodies for what they are and what they do for us every day. I tend to dislike words like skinny and fat and curvy and thin because they are not forgiving words; they all have a negative connotation that society has created for us. That being said: you can be skinny and healthy, you can be fat and healthy, you can be curvy and unhealthy, you can be thin and unhealthy, you can be anything and everything in between. I wish that I could look in the mirror and love what I look like, but society has conditioned my brain so that I see a whale of a person in the mirror and can't imagine that anyone would find me beautiful because I am overweight. I am not trying to say it's ok to fat or skinny that is not what this post is trying to say, in fact, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say at this moment. It is almost 1 am.... I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning what I find attractive in myself, be it physical or not.
I'm currently living with my mother, for a multitude of reasons, some of which I am ashamed of and others which I am not, but that is a subject for another post. I mention it because she came home and said "I want us to do the total body cardio workout tonight." I'll admit to having more than my share of pizza today for lunch and I just wanted to veg and wasn't motivated to do much of anything. I was in a self-loathing, wallowing state of acceptance that I am overweight and that I have tried in the past and haven't seen results, so what's the point. I think I changed my mind because I wanted her to workout, I wanted her to feel better in her body, I knew that if she just exercised and ate a bit better, she would get to the body she wanted (based on prior experience, I know that she can lose the weight as she has done it before though not in the healthiest way, but again neither her nor there). So I put on my workout clothes and we did the total body cardio fix workout. It's only 30 minutes and though I didn't push myself to the extreme, it was a lot more than I'm used to. I mean I stick to something for about a week and when I don't see any positive changes, I tend to give up. Something that the chick said stuck with me a bit. "Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever". I am a quitter.
About two years ago I did a biggest loser challenge at my school. I tracked my calories and I exercised and I thought I was following the rules. I could have eaten better foods, but I was always in my calorie limit. For two months I did this and I lost no more than 3 or 4 pounds I think. Looking back that was about .5 lbs per week, which isn't that bad, but I was comparing myself to others in the competition that lost 15 or more pounds. Why wasn't I getting those results, I was following the rules, etc... It all went to my head and I decided that it wasn't worth it. I was going to eat what and when I wanted and I would exercise if I felt like it, but I wasn't going to kill myself trying to achieve something that wasn't going to happen for me.
I decided to "live my life" and to try to ignore the mirror. I avoided shopping if I didn't absolutely need an article of clothing because I didn't want to look at the numbers, it was depressing. I was "living my life" but not truly "living". I'm still not. I hole myself up in my home, partly because I don't actually have an income to do anything and partly because I don't want people to have to look at me. I still think that I look like a blemish on an otherwise beautiful world. I still think that I don't deserve to have friends or a boyfriend because I'm too large to be attractive to people and for them to want to be seen with me. If my mom and her boyfriend didn't drag me out of the house on weekends, I might otherwise not see the sun. I have sunk to a new low. I am a hermit. I am young and free, yet I don't want to go out into the world. I love to laugh and dance and sing, but in the comfort of my own home because I have been conditioned to feel that because I am overweight I'm not allowed to enjoy life, that I need to focus on lowering my weight to be "healthy". Blah blah blah. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I'm tired of my weight being the deciding factor of my happiness.
Ok sorry for the ramble. I'm not even going to go back and edit this. I just want it to feel like the natural stream of my thoughts. Welcome to my head. Sorry if there's any confusion. I'm a walking contradiction. Good night.
A friend of my posted an article to Facebook entitled "17 Problems All Naturally Skinny People Will Understand". My gut reaction was an initially anger. How is ok to be "naturally skinny" but it's not ok to be "naturally fat". I wasn't going to click on the link because I was, quite frankly, offended. Then I decided that I would read it and see what they have to say. As I read it I would change one word to the opposite and made a case that you could simply change all the "skinnies" to "fatties" and "eat more's" to "eat less", and that I was going to comment to my friend about the fact that it's a double edged sword, but I decided in my irritable state it was probably not the smartest thing to do as I didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama, especially on Facebook on a Sunday night, just not gonna happen.
So then I decided that I was going to write a post about all the points they made and switch the words around and make it for "fatties" like me. That was the intention for this post, but as I started to type I realize that if I do that, then I am stooping to a lower level and it is not in my nature to belittle people or to make fun of their body or to make them feel less then they are whether they be "fat" or "skinny". I think everyone is beautiful in their own right.
I believe that we all have to love and accept our bodies for what they are and what they do for us every day. I tend to dislike words like skinny and fat and curvy and thin because they are not forgiving words; they all have a negative connotation that society has created for us. That being said: you can be skinny and healthy, you can be fat and healthy, you can be curvy and unhealthy, you can be thin and unhealthy, you can be anything and everything in between. I wish that I could look in the mirror and love what I look like, but society has conditioned my brain so that I see a whale of a person in the mirror and can't imagine that anyone would find me beautiful because I am overweight. I am not trying to say it's ok to fat or skinny that is not what this post is trying to say, in fact, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say at this moment. It is almost 1 am.... I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning what I find attractive in myself, be it physical or not.
I'm currently living with my mother, for a multitude of reasons, some of which I am ashamed of and others which I am not, but that is a subject for another post. I mention it because she came home and said "I want us to do the total body cardio workout tonight." I'll admit to having more than my share of pizza today for lunch and I just wanted to veg and wasn't motivated to do much of anything. I was in a self-loathing, wallowing state of acceptance that I am overweight and that I have tried in the past and haven't seen results, so what's the point. I think I changed my mind because I wanted her to workout, I wanted her to feel better in her body, I knew that if she just exercised and ate a bit better, she would get to the body she wanted (based on prior experience, I know that she can lose the weight as she has done it before though not in the healthiest way, but again neither her nor there). So I put on my workout clothes and we did the total body cardio fix workout. It's only 30 minutes and though I didn't push myself to the extreme, it was a lot more than I'm used to. I mean I stick to something for about a week and when I don't see any positive changes, I tend to give up. Something that the chick said stuck with me a bit. "Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever". I am a quitter.
About two years ago I did a biggest loser challenge at my school. I tracked my calories and I exercised and I thought I was following the rules. I could have eaten better foods, but I was always in my calorie limit. For two months I did this and I lost no more than 3 or 4 pounds I think. Looking back that was about .5 lbs per week, which isn't that bad, but I was comparing myself to others in the competition that lost 15 or more pounds. Why wasn't I getting those results, I was following the rules, etc... It all went to my head and I decided that it wasn't worth it. I was going to eat what and when I wanted and I would exercise if I felt like it, but I wasn't going to kill myself trying to achieve something that wasn't going to happen for me.
I decided to "live my life" and to try to ignore the mirror. I avoided shopping if I didn't absolutely need an article of clothing because I didn't want to look at the numbers, it was depressing. I was "living my life" but not truly "living". I'm still not. I hole myself up in my home, partly because I don't actually have an income to do anything and partly because I don't want people to have to look at me. I still think that I look like a blemish on an otherwise beautiful world. I still think that I don't deserve to have friends or a boyfriend because I'm too large to be attractive to people and for them to want to be seen with me. If my mom and her boyfriend didn't drag me out of the house on weekends, I might otherwise not see the sun. I have sunk to a new low. I am a hermit. I am young and free, yet I don't want to go out into the world. I love to laugh and dance and sing, but in the comfort of my own home because I have been conditioned to feel that because I am overweight I'm not allowed to enjoy life, that I need to focus on lowering my weight to be "healthy". Blah blah blah. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I'm tired of my weight being the deciding factor of my happiness.
Ok sorry for the ramble. I'm not even going to go back and edit this. I just want it to feel like the natural stream of my thoughts. Welcome to my head. Sorry if there's any confusion. I'm a walking contradiction. Good night.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
You can do anything for 21 days: Day 2
Mom and I started the 21 day fix yesterday. Today is Day 2. I had intended to post before pics and measurements on Sunday night, but had a temper tantrum instead. Then I intended to do this post last night, but I distracted myself with Netflix and was determined to post this morning. When do I end up writing about this? At almost 10pm on the second day. Better late than never though right.
Before I do, I'll share some of my thoughts from the last two days.
- This is a ton of food. How can I eat all this?
- Also I'm hungry (at 11pm - I should be sleeping)
- I want chocolate!
- I'm so sore! (This has been said or thought at least 20 times today, and that was just after one workout, I hadn't even completed today's workout until 2pm; and was mostly said when I sat down or bent to pick something up. But that means that it's working my out right.)
I had more to say, but I think I just want to get the basics out of the way and go more in depth later.
Starting measurements
Weight: 243.7 (Zoinks!!! Can't believe it. So embarrassed and humiliated right now)
Chest: 43''
R Arm: 15"
L Arm: 14"
Waist: 39"
Hips: 52.5"
R Thigh: 29"
L Thigh: 28"
Total: 220.5"
Before pics: Yikes. I can't believe I'm actually going to post these, but I am. I have done this to myself and I need to keep the motivation up. Hopefully I can provide some sort of inspiration for other.
Before I do, I'll share some of my thoughts from the last two days.
- This is a ton of food. How can I eat all this?
- Also I'm hungry (at 11pm - I should be sleeping)
- I want chocolate!
- I'm so sore! (This has been said or thought at least 20 times today, and that was just after one workout, I hadn't even completed today's workout until 2pm; and was mostly said when I sat down or bent to pick something up. But that means that it's working my out right.)
I had more to say, but I think I just want to get the basics out of the way and go more in depth later.
Starting measurements
Weight: 243.7 (Zoinks!!! Can't believe it. So embarrassed and humiliated right now)
Chest: 43''
R Arm: 15"
L Arm: 14"
Waist: 39"
Hips: 52.5"
R Thigh: 29"
L Thigh: 28"
Total: 220.5"
Before pics: Yikes. I can't believe I'm actually going to post these, but I am. I have done this to myself and I need to keep the motivation up. Hopefully I can provide some sort of inspiration for other.
Friday, September 12, 2014
The lazy life of me and a couple beach pics
It's time for another post. I haven't done much in the past month. Wow, over a month has gone by, and I have nothing to show for it. I have done some things around the house that mom wanted done: drained and cleaned and refilled the hot tub, cleaned the bar area and drawers in the kitchen, laundry, clean bathrooms. But that's pretty much it.
I have things that I need to be doing. For example, I need to take a CPR certification class. I've been putting it off and putting it off, I need to go ahead and pay for it and go in and get my card. Then when that is done, I need to print out my applications for state licensure. I think I keep putting these things off because I am so terrified to get my board scores back. I literally have small panic attacks when I start to think about it and get freaked out, so I change my thought process almost immediately. This makes it difficult to focus on anything optometry related. I just can't deal. I just can't. I have less than two weeks now. I may be freaking out a little more now that one of my friends did not pass their state boards. Sucks for this person and I truly feel for them, but I'm quite a bit farther behind. Life on standby remember. Anywho...
Well, I haven't been totally cooped up in my house for the last month. I have had weekend trips to Pensacola and Gulf Shores. The Pensacola trip was to go tubing with some friends and then we explored the fort, but we got too much sun tubing that we didn't spend any time on the beach. Not a big problem because I'm fat and don't like to expose my body to the ridicule of the other people on the beach too much. Then we went to Gulf Shores to explore for some potential real estate to rent out (well my mom's bf was looking for real estate to invest it to rent out) I was just there for the ride. It was nice because we went after school started and the season was pretty much over - so there weren't that many people on the beach. It was nice to squish my toes in the sand and play in the water a little bit, even if the waves were pretty rough over the weekend. I got two amazing pictures at the beach. If I say so myself, they are pretty amazing. I think I'll share them here.
I think I may have missed my calling as a photographer. I do love my crafts and try to be creative. I need to blog more when I do cool things like that. I did my mom's finger nails the other week and got creative with the design. I should have taken a couple of pics and posted them here. I also made banana bread the other day, I should have taken pics and walked you through my baking. But... I do have a dozen apples to do something with and have decided to bake something tomorrow. It may be apple bread, it may be apple cake, it may be apple pie, I have no clue yet, but I will keep you updated with it.
I have things that I need to be doing. For example, I need to take a CPR certification class. I've been putting it off and putting it off, I need to go ahead and pay for it and go in and get my card. Then when that is done, I need to print out my applications for state licensure. I think I keep putting these things off because I am so terrified to get my board scores back. I literally have small panic attacks when I start to think about it and get freaked out, so I change my thought process almost immediately. This makes it difficult to focus on anything optometry related. I just can't deal. I just can't. I have less than two weeks now. I may be freaking out a little more now that one of my friends did not pass their state boards. Sucks for this person and I truly feel for them, but I'm quite a bit farther behind. Life on standby remember. Anywho...
Well, I haven't been totally cooped up in my house for the last month. I have had weekend trips to Pensacola and Gulf Shores. The Pensacola trip was to go tubing with some friends and then we explored the fort, but we got too much sun tubing that we didn't spend any time on the beach. Not a big problem because I'm fat and don't like to expose my body to the ridicule of the other people on the beach too much. Then we went to Gulf Shores to explore for some potential real estate to rent out (well my mom's bf was looking for real estate to invest it to rent out) I was just there for the ride. It was nice because we went after school started and the season was pretty much over - so there weren't that many people on the beach. It was nice to squish my toes in the sand and play in the water a little bit, even if the waves were pretty rough over the weekend. I got two amazing pictures at the beach. If I say so myself, they are pretty amazing. I think I'll share them here.
 |
| beach stairs |
 |
| boardwalk |
I think I may have missed my calling as a photographer. I do love my crafts and try to be creative. I need to blog more when I do cool things like that. I did my mom's finger nails the other week and got creative with the design. I should have taken a couple of pics and posted them here. I also made banana bread the other day, I should have taken pics and walked you through my baking. But... I do have a dozen apples to do something with and have decided to bake something tomorrow. It may be apple bread, it may be apple cake, it may be apple pie, I have no clue yet, but I will keep you updated with it.
Also, mom just bought a knit pattern book. She wants me to make her a shawl. Looks like I'll have to make a trip to JoAnn's for some Patons lace soon. Just another one of the projects I want to do. Don't know why I don't do them during the day. I get caught up in sleeping, watching tv, and browsing the web.
Have a beautiful evening. Sweet dreams.
When one door closes, somewhere a window opens.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Another depressing entry...
I have made it home after taking the board for the fourth time. Yeah, as if that isn't depressing enough, I feel like crap about it. Every time I went to consult my notes for something I didn't see previously and was expecting on the next session, I would find something else that I messed up, another question where I had narrowed it down to two answers and chose the wrong one.
Each time I have studied more and more. Each time it has gotten harder and harder. Each time I have gotten more questions right. Each time the percentage to pass has been raised and raised. This time I feel worse, I feel more depressed and pathetic leaving it. I guess I'm not meant to be this person that I thought I was. I'm not meant to be a doctor. After 9 years of school and 200K in student debt, I have nothing to show for it all, other than a total of 60 pounds of weight since I started 9 years ago.
I feel like a failure. I fail at life. Everything I touch goes to pot. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I am is good enough. I'm mediocre at best. Even now I'm not even feeling mediocre. I'm a plane spiraling and falling, closer and closer to the ground. I see my life spinning faster and faster out of control. I keep crashing. Just once I want to be able to get control and not crash. This is probably going to end up another big mess for me to clean up, and this time I'm not sure I want to rebuild the plane and get back up in the sky.
I'm sure I did better than I'm expecting, yet I'm not expecting to pass. And that sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't pass. I feel like my life is on standby; like someone has said this movie is boring and pressed pause to get a snack. I keep drifting further and further out in space. I can look for jobs, but I can't take any of them until I know that I passed the board because I can't practice without passing. It would suck worse to get into negotiations with someone only to have to tell them no because I'll have to take it again in March (half a year away). So for the next 50 days, I will end up bumming around the house, feeling depressed, and just wait.
It's like the crosswalk. The ones that talk and tell you when you can walk and when you have to wait. My life crosswalk is saying Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm trying to get from point a to point b. Point b is several blocks down and one across. So while I'm waiting I'll just walk down the blocks until I get to one that I can cross at. Now I'm at the last place to cross, I can't walk down further because it's a dead end and I can't cross because I have a red light. So I just sit at the coffee shop on the corner and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Each time I have studied more and more. Each time it has gotten harder and harder. Each time I have gotten more questions right. Each time the percentage to pass has been raised and raised. This time I feel worse, I feel more depressed and pathetic leaving it. I guess I'm not meant to be this person that I thought I was. I'm not meant to be a doctor. After 9 years of school and 200K in student debt, I have nothing to show for it all, other than a total of 60 pounds of weight since I started 9 years ago.
I feel like a failure. I fail at life. Everything I touch goes to pot. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I am is good enough. I'm mediocre at best. Even now I'm not even feeling mediocre. I'm a plane spiraling and falling, closer and closer to the ground. I see my life spinning faster and faster out of control. I keep crashing. Just once I want to be able to get control and not crash. This is probably going to end up another big mess for me to clean up, and this time I'm not sure I want to rebuild the plane and get back up in the sky.
I'm sure I did better than I'm expecting, yet I'm not expecting to pass. And that sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't pass. I feel like my life is on standby; like someone has said this movie is boring and pressed pause to get a snack. I keep drifting further and further out in space. I can look for jobs, but I can't take any of them until I know that I passed the board because I can't practice without passing. It would suck worse to get into negotiations with someone only to have to tell them no because I'll have to take it again in March (half a year away). So for the next 50 days, I will end up bumming around the house, feeling depressed, and just wait.
It's like the crosswalk. The ones that talk and tell you when you can walk and when you have to wait. My life crosswalk is saying Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm trying to get from point a to point b. Point b is several blocks down and one across. So while I'm waiting I'll just walk down the blocks until I get to one that I can cross at. Now I'm at the last place to cross, I can't walk down further because it's a dead end and I can't cross because I have a red light. So I just sit at the coffee shop on the corner and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
It's been too long, time to check in
I haven't been focusing on much of anything regarding my health or weight recently. In May I found out that I didn't pass my board again and I will be retaking it the first week of August.
This past week, I have been getting up the elliptical and walking and even started a squat challenge on facebook. These have all provided me with a built in study break during the day. I have also decided to honestly and reliably record my food and calories.
I have been doing a lot of moving the past 6 months as well, as I was moving between locations for my externships and finally the big move back home at 27 with 1.5 degrees to my name. (For the record I "graduated" in May - at least I walked in the graduation ceremony, but I won't get my diploma and transcript until I pass this board). So call me Doc if you want, but I won't feel right about it until I get that diploma.
Anyway back to the point. I have a fitbit tracker and aria scale. I haven't been using the scale because I haven't had my own internet set up for a while. I dug it out of storage and set it up with my mom's network and stepped on the scale.
What?! 11 pound increase since I last checked in 1.5 months ago. I moved home one month ago. I know that it's because I've been so sedentary. Being home, the only thing I have had to do is study for the board, so I hadn't been doing much of anything during the day. I can't believe I've been home for one month. Yikes! Has it really been that long.
Needless to say, I am not a happy camper. This explains why my jeans are feeling especially tight. I am only comfortable in pjs and my yoga pants and workout shorts. This news confirms my worst fear and why I have been avoiding actually going out in public, when mom and her new boyfriend have been wanting me to go out with them on the weekend.
Well, I think that's about all for tonight. Time to get back to my studying. 12 days to go.
You can follow my journey on MyFitnessPal at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/user/shu10str/status or on FitBit at https://www.fitbit.com/user/23CM4T
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