So, I have had almost 17 full weeks of patient care. Of being able to dilate without getting my attending's permission. Of having to come up with my own diagnoses and treatment plans... well sort of.
This semester is taking a lot out of me. I know that I don't know everything, and that's ok, that's why we call it practice... j/k. Anyway today was rough for me, I feel like one of my two attendings has to find something wrong with my exam, the other I feel as if I should be a walking book (and I don't know everything! - some things I haven't seen before so how am I supposed to recognize it and/or I can't possibly think of every differential but the ones I do think of are relevant - that's why I'm here... to learn how to recognize something when I see it in clinic because let me tell you: patients are not textbook, they come in looking like something else and not like the classic case we always talk about in clinic, so how am I supposed to recognize it!?)
I just feel a bit deflated and defeated after my wednesday's in clinic. The other thing is that I don't always agree with the attending, but when I try to voice my opinion that I don't think it is what they think it is, I feel a bit swept to the side and what they say goes, but I don't always get a good reason for why they are doing what they are doing. (this is not just today - more of a general opinion than any specific case) I think part of that is due to the fact that we are pressed for time, that patients come in 20 or more minutes late and we are still expected to have them finished in time for the next pt that happened to come in 15 minutes early... It always inevitably happens that way, then we are rushed, our attending is rushed, and we have to talk about our plan very briefly and what the attending says goes, if you are stumbling in trying to make your opinion known, well you don't have one and then you can get dinged on your grade for the pt encounter for not knowing/creating a plan, etc.
Maybe none of this is true, maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. Who knows. All I know is that I will be relieved when I get to leave school in January and be in the "real world" almost completely relying on my own knowledge and experience to tell me what to do. I'm going to stumble and I'm going to fall down, but I should be able to and not made to feel bad when I do. It's like my attending said yesterday about the difference between how we are taught and how ophthalmologists are taught. We are taught that everything has to be perfect and that if we overminus by 0.25D then the pt is going to die (exaggeration- sarcasm doesn't come through the written word as well as it does with the spoken word), and ophthalmologists are taught to be fearless and that it is ok to make a mistake because everyone does it and they have more on the line and at risk than we do. I would love to see more optometry schools and professors and attendings give us the opportunity to fall and to fail and to make mistakes, to allow us the time to make mistakes.
I guess that is my ramble for the evening. I need to get some sleep before my long day in peds tomorrow... yay. Eyeball school is ahead and winning (UABSO:10 - Me:1).
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Sunday, June 30, 2013
5 lbs down
Well, I am down 5 lbs to 225.2 lbs. I just have to break through and past this 225 mark and I'll be on way.
I haven't been working out. So I think that most of that is due to getting almost 7,000 steps a day in clinic and 30 minute lunch times. If I were better at being a clinician I'd be getting 1 hr lunch breaks, but that is a different post.
I've been feeling down in the dumps lately and I don't really want to go into why right now. I'll save that for another time. Today I just wanted to celebrate my 5 lb loss. Go me! Something is finally falling into place. So this morning I decided to go ahead and workout before heading out to the pool or doing some studying or cleaning. So I did my interval training. I only made it halfway through before stopping, but I'll attribute that to my drinking last night, my stomach just won't let me finish today, not that I can blame it. Well here are a few pics and I'll try to keep updating.
I haven't been working out. So I think that most of that is due to getting almost 7,000 steps a day in clinic and 30 minute lunch times. If I were better at being a clinician I'd be getting 1 hr lunch breaks, but that is a different post.
I've been feeling down in the dumps lately and I don't really want to go into why right now. I'll save that for another time. Today I just wanted to celebrate my 5 lb loss. Go me! Something is finally falling into place. So this morning I decided to go ahead and workout before heading out to the pool or doing some studying or cleaning. So I did my interval training. I only made it halfway through before stopping, but I'll attribute that to my drinking last night, my stomach just won't let me finish today, not that I can blame it. Well here are a few pics and I'll try to keep updating.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Hazy lazy days of summer...
I wish!
I had one week off from school and spent it in Acworth with my mom. I slept a lot and ate a lot and basically did nothing, which was honestly well needed after a 7 exam final week!!!
I think something in my apartment is making me sick. I guess it must be allergies. I was "sick" 4 weeks ago during my birthday week and now again. There is something in Alabama that is causing me to have sinus congestion and a headache, with an occasional cough. So I spent most of this weekend in bed. Maybe it just is allergies, the Claritin has been helping, but I wish this feeling would just go away!
I did go out Saturday night to see a friend's band play at a bar close to home, AND I went alone! I must have talked myself in and out of it at least 10 times before leaving the apartment and another 10 times outside the bar. I finally said "Screw it! I'm here. I'll get a beer and then leave if I feel like it or stay". I ended up staying the entire time, even though I knew not a soul there and spent all my time by myself, as everyone else there had their friends and whatnot. Oh well. I'm impressed that I did it all alone. Like my friend said "brave little toaster"! So true, but alas I have no friends. (I use the term 'friend' here loosely. Sure I have people I consider friends, but they are practically no more than acquaintances, none of them do I hang out with outside of school, they don't call/text me and I guess neither do I. I have no one I can call up on a whim and say hey let's hang out, or do you want to go out tonight. That's what I mean by I don't have friends.)
So, what's a girl to do? Sit at home like a bump on a log, or get out and face her fears? Face them I did. I was a bit nervous and I'm sure that some people saw me alone at the bar and felt sorry for me, but by the end of the night I didn't feel sorry for myself; I felt sorry for the people that don't have the courage to go to a bar by themselves and not care what others think of them for being there solo.
I did get up and out today too. I went to JoAnn's to get some fabric because I'm going to attempt to make a skirt or two. I found some cheap polyester floral fabric that I think would look darling in a skirt. I also got several yards of cheap muslin to try my first skirt before cutting into any other fabric. I think they'll be two different designs but I wanted to make sure that I won't make huge glaring mistakes by doing the muslin first and it will give me the opportunity to try my hand at a zipper too... YIKES! Well, I'll keep ya up to date as I do things. I should be focused on other things, like studying for boards. Eh... LOL.
I had one week off from school and spent it in Acworth with my mom. I slept a lot and ate a lot and basically did nothing, which was honestly well needed after a 7 exam final week!!!
I think something in my apartment is making me sick. I guess it must be allergies. I was "sick" 4 weeks ago during my birthday week and now again. There is something in Alabama that is causing me to have sinus congestion and a headache, with an occasional cough. So I spent most of this weekend in bed. Maybe it just is allergies, the Claritin has been helping, but I wish this feeling would just go away!
I did go out Saturday night to see a friend's band play at a bar close to home, AND I went alone! I must have talked myself in and out of it at least 10 times before leaving the apartment and another 10 times outside the bar. I finally said "Screw it! I'm here. I'll get a beer and then leave if I feel like it or stay". I ended up staying the entire time, even though I knew not a soul there and spent all my time by myself, as everyone else there had their friends and whatnot. Oh well. I'm impressed that I did it all alone. Like my friend said "brave little toaster"! So true, but alas I have no friends. (I use the term 'friend' here loosely. Sure I have people I consider friends, but they are practically no more than acquaintances, none of them do I hang out with outside of school, they don't call/text me and I guess neither do I. I have no one I can call up on a whim and say hey let's hang out, or do you want to go out tonight. That's what I mean by I don't have friends.)
So, what's a girl to do? Sit at home like a bump on a log, or get out and face her fears? Face them I did. I was a bit nervous and I'm sure that some people saw me alone at the bar and felt sorry for me, but by the end of the night I didn't feel sorry for myself; I felt sorry for the people that don't have the courage to go to a bar by themselves and not care what others think of them for being there solo.
I did get up and out today too. I went to JoAnn's to get some fabric because I'm going to attempt to make a skirt or two. I found some cheap polyester floral fabric that I think would look darling in a skirt. I also got several yards of cheap muslin to try my first skirt before cutting into any other fabric. I think they'll be two different designs but I wanted to make sure that I won't make huge glaring mistakes by doing the muslin first and it will give me the opportunity to try my hand at a zipper too... YIKES! Well, I'll keep ya up to date as I do things. I should be focused on other things, like studying for boards. Eh... LOL.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Update
I know I haven't posted in a while. I have nothing to say for myself. I just have not been following my diet or exercise plan very diligently the last several weeks. However this past week I have been exercising a lot.
Tuesday - I did bootcamp at the rec center with Catherine and Zeenia.
Wednesday - I had green team workout with our trainer, only two of us showed up.
Thursday - break day.
Friday - Green team workout with trainer, but no one else wanted to do it so I had a solo workout with trainer.
Saturday - Zumba time with Kelly!
Sunday - rest
Today/Monday - Green team workout with trainer. Hope more people are able to show up tonight, but if not, than I'm a-ok with that.
I'm trying to eat healthy, but I haven't felt much like going to the grocery store. It is getting expensive and it's the end of the semester so I'm trying to keep some money in my bank account so that I can go to Charlotte for a friends wedding and possibly to Savannah. Ugh. Honestly I'm probably spending more money by eating out than I would just going to the store, and I know that I would be eating much more healthy, vs the frozen pizza or the $5 pizza or whatever. My weakness is pizza! I don't know why, but I crave it like crazy. And then I don't like to reheat leftover pizza so in my mind I don't want to waste the money so I try to eat as much of it initially that I can and then I'm left with heartburn and a sick feeling in my head and hatred for myself afterward. I share this because I know that others may have the same problem, or to show others that maybe they aren't that bad after all compared to me.
Well, I guess that is all for now. I'll do my best to keep this updated.
Tuesday - I did bootcamp at the rec center with Catherine and Zeenia.
Wednesday - I had green team workout with our trainer, only two of us showed up.
Thursday - break day.
Friday - Green team workout with trainer, but no one else wanted to do it so I had a solo workout with trainer.
Saturday - Zumba time with Kelly!
Sunday - rest
Today/Monday - Green team workout with trainer. Hope more people are able to show up tonight, but if not, than I'm a-ok with that.
I'm trying to eat healthy, but I haven't felt much like going to the grocery store. It is getting expensive and it's the end of the semester so I'm trying to keep some money in my bank account so that I can go to Charlotte for a friends wedding and possibly to Savannah. Ugh. Honestly I'm probably spending more money by eating out than I would just going to the store, and I know that I would be eating much more healthy, vs the frozen pizza or the $5 pizza or whatever. My weakness is pizza! I don't know why, but I crave it like crazy. And then I don't like to reheat leftover pizza so in my mind I don't want to waste the money so I try to eat as much of it initially that I can and then I'm left with heartburn and a sick feeling in my head and hatred for myself afterward. I share this because I know that others may have the same problem, or to show others that maybe they aren't that bad after all compared to me.
Well, I guess that is all for now. I'll do my best to keep this updated.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Roller coasters
First let me rant that some people have all the luck. That's all I'm going to say, I'm just a little green eyed monster at the moment, but back to the post at hand that I have been planning on writing today.
I've got roller coasters on my mind today. The actual ones at the amusement parks and the emotional ones. My life feels like one big roller coaster. I have my highs where you are high on life, the loops that turn your life upside down, the curly q's where you don't know which way is up, and the lows. Everyone must go through all these parts, but sometimes I feel like I have more lows and some people have more highs, but it wouldn't be a roller coaster without both. Sigh.
The other roller coasters I have in mind are the ones at the amusement parks. I have a little story to tell you know. Last summer mom and I went to Six Flags over Georgia. I love roller coasters. The visit was actually kind of depressing because while I was able to ride the coasters, the seats were very tight. On one of the coasters they were having trouble getting started because one of the seats wasn't right, it wasn't tight enough or wasn't locked or something, yeah that was me. It made me very upset because I thought for a second that I wouldn't be able to ride it because I was too fat for the seat. It makes me upset just talking about it, it makes me so depressed. It just wasn't a very happy trip and we ended up leaving relatively early.
My mom and I made a pact that if I could lose 20-30 lbs in the following year that we would get season tickets. Well mom I don't think I'm going to make that goal. I've maintained my weight in the past year, but there's still a few months until summer, so I guess there's still time to lose some weight. But it actually ok because I don't think that I'd have much time to go to Six Flags this summer. Either way my goal is the feel comfortable in the roller coaster seats again. I don't know at what weight or size that is, but I don't care. I just want to feel healthy and happy again.
I've got roller coasters on my mind today. The actual ones at the amusement parks and the emotional ones. My life feels like one big roller coaster. I have my highs where you are high on life, the loops that turn your life upside down, the curly q's where you don't know which way is up, and the lows. Everyone must go through all these parts, but sometimes I feel like I have more lows and some people have more highs, but it wouldn't be a roller coaster without both. Sigh.
The other roller coasters I have in mind are the ones at the amusement parks. I have a little story to tell you know. Last summer mom and I went to Six Flags over Georgia. I love roller coasters. The visit was actually kind of depressing because while I was able to ride the coasters, the seats were very tight. On one of the coasters they were having trouble getting started because one of the seats wasn't right, it wasn't tight enough or wasn't locked or something, yeah that was me. It made me very upset because I thought for a second that I wouldn't be able to ride it because I was too fat for the seat. It makes me upset just talking about it, it makes me so depressed. It just wasn't a very happy trip and we ended up leaving relatively early.
My mom and I made a pact that if I could lose 20-30 lbs in the following year that we would get season tickets. Well mom I don't think I'm going to make that goal. I've maintained my weight in the past year, but there's still a few months until summer, so I guess there's still time to lose some weight. But it actually ok because I don't think that I'd have much time to go to Six Flags this summer. Either way my goal is the feel comfortable in the roller coaster seats again. I don't know at what weight or size that is, but I don't care. I just want to feel healthy and happy again.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Midterm Monday
Welp. I had a Neuro midterm this morning. I'm pretty sure that as Dr. S is grading it, he's going to think that I'm such an idiot. I just know that it wasn't great, I didn't get in the kind of studying I had wanted to get in. It was just a crazy weekend. I mean we had boards last week and then some of us had black belt on Saturday (we go to the middle of nowhere Alabama to do eye exams all day). Don't get me wrong, I love giving back to the community and providing services for those who don't have an eye doc, but I would have really liked to have had the entire weekend off.
Since boards have been out I have been eating well and exercising daily (at least getting in my 10,000 steps if I don't make it to the gym). But I'm still maintaining at my current weight. Actually I'm pretty sure I have gained since two weeks ago at the last official BL weigh in. Which makes me very nervous for weigh in tomorrow, I just don't want my group penalized because I can't lose weight. I don't get it, I don't get why my body just isn't doing anything. I'm literally just maintaining. I just have to give it time I guess. I know that I probably actually gained some weight during boards, and I have just lost that, but I'm ready to get down below 220, I haven't been able to do that. I just can't break it. But oh well. Time takes care of everything. I have the time and ability to really focus now on exercise and eating clean since we don't have any big projects or exams for a while.
On a more positive note, I am getting in at least 10,000 steps a day. Some of it is thanks to the elliptical but still. I'm going to have to up the daily goal to 15,000 steps pretty soon. I do a lot of sitting at school, so I just have to make sure that I get up and move more.
I'm re-reading Anne of Green Gables right now since I have extra time on my hands, and I thought I'd share some Lucy Maud Montgomery words of wisdom:
Since boards have been out I have been eating well and exercising daily (at least getting in my 10,000 steps if I don't make it to the gym). But I'm still maintaining at my current weight. Actually I'm pretty sure I have gained since two weeks ago at the last official BL weigh in. Which makes me very nervous for weigh in tomorrow, I just don't want my group penalized because I can't lose weight. I don't get it, I don't get why my body just isn't doing anything. I'm literally just maintaining. I just have to give it time I guess. I know that I probably actually gained some weight during boards, and I have just lost that, but I'm ready to get down below 220, I haven't been able to do that. I just can't break it. But oh well. Time takes care of everything. I have the time and ability to really focus now on exercise and eating clean since we don't have any big projects or exams for a while.
On a more positive note, I am getting in at least 10,000 steps a day. Some of it is thanks to the elliptical but still. I'm going to have to up the daily goal to 15,000 steps pretty soon. I do a lot of sitting at school, so I just have to make sure that I get up and move more.
I'm re-reading Anne of Green Gables right now since I have extra time on my hands, and I thought I'd share some Lucy Maud Montgomery words of wisdom:
“It will come sometime. Some beautiful morning she will just wake up and find it is Tomorrow. Not Today but Tomorrow. And then things will happen ... wonderful things.” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of the Island.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
My name is shu10str...
... and I'm an emotional eater.
I know it's been a while since posting anything. I have had a lot going on lately and just didn't make time for some things this past week.
I had Part I boards on Tuesday and Wednesday this week; four sessions of 3.5 hr exams in two days. 500 questions on three years worth of school, eek! Just a teeny bit stressful. I admit that I didn't make the healthiest food choices or actually do much exercise outside of the occasional walk around the apartment complex this weekend. As a result I did not weigh in on Tuesday, partly because I didn't want to know my weight, partly due to stress, and partly due to the fact that it's spring break for everyone, so everyone just sent in their weights (I don't think everyone used the scale at the rec, which I think may have skewed the results slightly).
First off let me say that I am feeling a bit bitter and immature tonight, so take everything from here on out with a grain of salt. I don't know what I expected from this competition but it doesn't seem to be impressing me. I feel like the only thing I have gotten out of it in the past two weeks is group exercises with a trainer. I like the workouts and I feel sore the day after and I feel good, but that's about it. I don't feel a sense of group encouragement and I guess I can take some blame for that too by being MIA the past 5 or 6 days. The gold team is beating us by 2x in the weight department, which is another thing that is frustrating me... I am happy for those people that are losing weight, but I think that over 10 lbs in two weeks is a little excessive, and not healthy. I can't say anything because I don't know the circumstances but I saw everyone at orientation and I don't think anyone was that obese that two weeks would cause such a weight loss, but I don't know. I guess it's possible that this person hasn't exercised or worked out before and that a total re-haul of their life has given them an edge, it just doesn't seem like it's possible unless you were actually on the show working out for several hours a day and completely over-hauling your diet. But whatever, again I don't know the circumstances and I'm not here to judge.
I guess that's where some of my frustration is stemming from though. That I put my all into workouts and eating healthy and I only lost less than a pound in the first week and others are losing six times what I did. I feel like I have to work ten times more to lose less weight. I'm just frustrated (gosh how many times can I use that word tonight). In the past several months I have eaten pretty well. I don't eat completely clean, but I stay within my calorie goals for the most part. Since I started the biggest loser I haven't binged, which is my problem. I am an emotional eater, when I stress or am unhappy or want to celebrate, I turn to food. I know this is my problem, but I haven't binged in the past two weeks, as badly as I have wanted to I didn't. Like I said earlier, this week I haven't made the best choices, but I haven't gone crazy either. I don't know what I can possibly do. I know that everyone loses weight at their own speed, but... dang can't I get in on this too?!
Well that's my sad little pity party for the night. I just have to keep working hard and eating healthy and maybe I'll get there. One day.
***edit*** in the report of weekly winners, we got total weight loss of the winner and % total weight loss, and the biggest loser so far has lost 0.042%, 13.4lbs, which if you calculate it, comes to about 320 lbs, so good for them! I'm proud and a bit jealous, but honestly I feel better knowing that it wasn't someone at 180 lbs that was losing 13 lbs in two weeks.
I know it's been a while since posting anything. I have had a lot going on lately and just didn't make time for some things this past week.
I had Part I boards on Tuesday and Wednesday this week; four sessions of 3.5 hr exams in two days. 500 questions on three years worth of school, eek! Just a teeny bit stressful. I admit that I didn't make the healthiest food choices or actually do much exercise outside of the occasional walk around the apartment complex this weekend. As a result I did not weigh in on Tuesday, partly because I didn't want to know my weight, partly due to stress, and partly due to the fact that it's spring break for everyone, so everyone just sent in their weights (I don't think everyone used the scale at the rec, which I think may have skewed the results slightly).
First off let me say that I am feeling a bit bitter and immature tonight, so take everything from here on out with a grain of salt. I don't know what I expected from this competition but it doesn't seem to be impressing me. I feel like the only thing I have gotten out of it in the past two weeks is group exercises with a trainer. I like the workouts and I feel sore the day after and I feel good, but that's about it. I don't feel a sense of group encouragement and I guess I can take some blame for that too by being MIA the past 5 or 6 days. The gold team is beating us by 2x in the weight department, which is another thing that is frustrating me... I am happy for those people that are losing weight, but I think that over 10 lbs in two weeks is a little excessive, and not healthy. I can't say anything because I don't know the circumstances but I saw everyone at orientation and I don't think anyone was that obese that two weeks would cause such a weight loss, but I don't know. I guess it's possible that this person hasn't exercised or worked out before and that a total re-haul of their life has given them an edge, it just doesn't seem like it's possible unless you were actually on the show working out for several hours a day and completely over-hauling your diet. But whatever, again I don't know the circumstances and I'm not here to judge.
I guess that's where some of my frustration is stemming from though. That I put my all into workouts and eating healthy and I only lost less than a pound in the first week and others are losing six times what I did. I feel like I have to work ten times more to lose less weight. I'm just frustrated (gosh how many times can I use that word tonight). In the past several months I have eaten pretty well. I don't eat completely clean, but I stay within my calorie goals for the most part. Since I started the biggest loser I haven't binged, which is my problem. I am an emotional eater, when I stress or am unhappy or want to celebrate, I turn to food. I know this is my problem, but I haven't binged in the past two weeks, as badly as I have wanted to I didn't. Like I said earlier, this week I haven't made the best choices, but I haven't gone crazy either. I don't know what I can possibly do. I know that everyone loses weight at their own speed, but... dang can't I get in on this too?!
Well that's my sad little pity party for the night. I just have to keep working hard and eating healthy and maybe I'll get there. One day.
***edit*** in the report of weekly winners, we got total weight loss of the winner and % total weight loss, and the biggest loser so far has lost 0.042%, 13.4lbs, which if you calculate it, comes to about 320 lbs, so good for them! I'm proud and a bit jealous, but honestly I feel better knowing that it wasn't someone at 180 lbs that was losing 13 lbs in two weeks.
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