Green. It's my favorite color. It just so happens that it is also the color of envy.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is green where you water it. My grass is looking pretty brown right about now. I am the victim of the green-eyed monster. Have you had enough of the idioms? I'm sure you'll get more.
Envy: when you want something that others have. I realize that I could do something to stop feeling this way but it's hard. It's hard when people look right through you.
I wish I was so many things. I wish to be pretty, smart, fun, witty. Right about now I feel none of those things. I feel ugly (I have pretty hair - that's pretty much the only compliment I get on my appearance ever - even when I try a new outfit or something; I realize that I don't have a good body but it would be nice to be complimented on something other than my curls, I feel like that is my only defining feature). I feel stupid - yes, I just 'graduated' from optometry school, but yep you guessed it, I'm having to take a particular test again. Why is this happening to me again. WHY?! I don't understand why I have to keep being knocked down, I'm already in the mud, I don't need my face rubbed in it. On the other hand, it could be construed as a blessing, that there is a reason for this, that I am strong enough to handle it. I should be thinking of it like that; my motto has always been that everything happens for a reason, so why should this be any different. When one door closes, another opens. I can't see what is in store for me, or why I'm having to go through this again, but I suppose that there is a reason. I am not fun. Case in point: my mom and dad and I went out to celebrate after my graduation and I had no idea where to go, no idea of what bars to go to. Why? Because I didn't go out with people during school. Why? Because I was overlooked. I would go out once and then ask them to text me when they go out again or whatever, but I never got any texts. When classmates bands played, I went by myself, not knowing that others got together before hand. Why? Because I'm invisible, people look right by me. I learned early to do things on my own many years ago. I like being on my own, but I like doing things with people too. I've never understood why people never invite me to do anything; I've almost always said yes or I'm available when things come up... The only things I can think of is that I'm not pretty or stylish enough and people are ashamed to be seen with me or that I'm just not fun enough. It takes time for me to feel comfortable around people and let myself be silly around them. It takes too much effort for other people to get to know me. I've always been the outcast, the loner, it's been easier somehow despite how much it hurts.
I don't know how to interact with people. I don't have stories, I don't have life experience because I haven't had friends to do things with. I remember being such an active and talkative child, where did it change, when did it go wrong? High school. Freshman year I was in Virginia. I wasn't popular by any means, but I have a few friends and I was happy with that. I even had a boyfriend for a few weeks. My self esteem took a hit that year though by being called thunder thighs when I was being fit for a dance costume. I was coming to terms with myself and then I was uprooted to Georgia the summer between freshman and sophomore year. I was so depressed. I found dance and a few friends (none of which would stick) and made it through but not without the thoughts that no one would notice if I wasn't there. I was not asked to a single homecoming or prom, even by friends. I went to my senior prom alone, after a dance competition, on my 18th birthday. I was a goody two shoes, and mediocre at everything I did - still am. I don't have anything particular to say about college or optometry school mostly because I don't want to go into any of it. The point is that I haven't been living, I've just been existing, even now. I just spent three days in my apartment, the only interaction I had with another person (outside of the internet) was Saturday when I went out for food. Why? Because I don't like me. I hate the way I look and feel like people are judging me by what I'm wearing, how it doesn't flatter my fat body, that I'm trying too hard, and then feeling sorry for me because I'm all alone and fat. Am I just projecting what I'm feeling and seeing in the mirror? Probably, but who's to say that it's not what they are thinking anyway.
It all boils down to the fact that I hate myself. Mostly I hate the way I look. I could change if I wanted to. I could, but it's just easier to hide from the world in my apartment and more comfortable to sit around in sweats and t-shirts because they don't make me feel fat. It's so much easier to hide than to feel judged out in the world. It's easier to hide than to admit that you failed Part 1 so many times, that you almost feel like you should just give up. It's easier to sleep all day than to face the world.
I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either
-Feel by Robbie Williams
