The cure for insomnia... first post an ambiguous post on social media, write about it in your journal, and of course blog about it...
As I start this I can feel my eyelids getting heavier, but if I try to lay down and sleep, my mind will start racing again and keeping me up with questions about the future or even the present.
Where do I begin? Um how about state licensure. I have to take a law exam, 90 minutes - 60 questions, not bad, but I can't take it until the state says I'm eligible. I'm not eligible until I finish the application, but I can't finish the application until I get them a few things. First I have to get them a copy of my transcript, but that of course won't be ready for several weeks, about 25-30 days from now, so no go there. Second they need my scores for boards - which is a whole other pressing matter on my shoulders. I'm waiting for my Part 1 and Part 3 scores, which I'll get the first full week in May, about 20 days from now. I guess there's no point in stressing over this since I can't really control any of that at this point. It's a waiting game, but it is seriously stressing me out, mostly because I am terrified that I didn't pass Part 1 this time around, like way freaked out about this. I probably need to see a therapist and get on some meds or something because I'm really starting to have panic attacks and am getting really anxious every time I think about it. If I don't pass, then I can't get licensed, then I can't practice. Ahhh!!!! Ok that is the big thing.
The other major thing that is keeping me awake is the job thing. I met with a doc in a town across the state, and the more time passes the more I realize that that particular practice is not where I want to be: it's small, I feel like I don't have space, I'm not sure that I would learn what I need to about practice (insurance, business management, etc), doesn't have the equipment that I would like direct access to to practice at the level I'm used to. So yeah I guess that is out, but the salary was amazing, really good for a new OD but I don't think it would prepare me for the future. The place I'm doing my internship right now is a practice that I had teched at while in undergrad and I am very comfortable there and know the doc really well, the doc and I work well together and she can provide me with a ton of knowledge on insurance, billing, business management, etc. Thing is she wants to bring me on as an independent contractor. That means that I'd have to put money aside to pay for taxes, not a problem I'm sure, but it also means that I won't be making a ton of money, I think it would be enough to live comfortably on while still being able to pay off loans and everything. It's going to take a lot of legwork, especially initially, on my part. I need to figure out how to get started. I'm going to have to get my own malpractice, personal insurance, do I have to be a s-corp or LLC, hire a CPA. All this requires money and I don't have any of that... Seriously, how am I supposed to pay for all this? That's my big concern here. I think this might be the best thing for me, at least to start out. I want/need to know the business aspect and the best way is to do it, I feel comfortable asking and learning from this doc. My parents aren't going to like it. I have to make the decision that I feel is the best for me. Follow for future posts on how I make out..
I'm single. I have no responsibilities to anyone but myself. I have no one to help me. I have no one to answer to. I have no one else's life to consider, which is good for me I guess. I'm not ready to settle down, I don't want to have take someone else into consideration, but I'm also a bit lonely. I don't have that other person to lean on. I am completely dependent on myself, which means I have to figure out how to live on my own money and don't have extra income, ya know what I'm getting at here. I can't believe that I'm almost 27 and still single, my life definitely isn't how I pictured it being at this point. But I've still got like 60 years or so of life left to live, so I've got time.
I just see guys I've been interested in and they are with other girls, and I can't help but feel a little jealous. I feel sometimes like what is wrong with me? Why don't guys want me? And I answer that with: I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough. I'm too depressed, I don't have a life, I don't know how to meet people, and the people that I do know seem to always forget me and overlook me. I don't know how many people in this world really consider me a friend. I can count them on one finger, outside of family. There is only one person that I feel like I could call at almost any time, but she has her husband and probably has several best friends. I don't have any.
Do you see how one little thought in my mind travels and transverses several subjects and makes me more depressed and more stressed. Sorry, probably more info that you would ever want to know about me, but oh well. Sending this out into the cosmos... Well wishes appreciated. I'm sure it will all work out well and how it is supposed to.
