Usually it takes a lot more alcohol in my system before I start to feel as crappy about me and my life as I do now. I've only had one jack and coke (which was more jack than coke - which I'm not complaining about, for $7 is should have been more jack than coke) and two beers. I don't even feel a buzz.
I went to the school Christmas cocktail party tonight. It seems like I barely knew a quarter of the people there; probably because I don't know many of the first and second years, and only a bit of the third year. Of the people there, it seemed as if they were paired up or had their clique of friends. I felt like a third wheel all evening. I feel like I don't fit it. Likely my fault, when I first met everyone three years ago I didn't make a great impression. I'm the quiet one. I don't party. I'm not the fun person.
The other thing is that I don't feel comfortable in my skin. I never have. Some people tonight said I looked good, I don't remember the exact words, but I couldn't take the compliment. Surely they were just trying to be nice and friendly and don't truly believe what they are saying. I hate the way I look, but I can't seem to find the motivation to get out of bed and do something about it. It is hard work just to get up and out of bed for clinic during the week, let alone weekends. Some Saturdays I won't even change out of my pj's. I guess you could say I'm depressed.
I hate myself. I fear being alone forever. I fear never being able to love myself and that by extension no one will love me. It's time for bed, I just needed to get that out there, into the void of the internet, tonight.
